My favorite thing about decorative towels is how you’re not allowed to use them.
Because nothing says CLASS like useless towels.
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I photoshopped myself into a photo booth strip a coworker had on her desk and replaced it. And now we wait…
If you’re really not supposed to mix vodka with nail polish remover it should say so on the bottle
In an unexpected motion, Texas Republicans have voted to move midnight to 1am.
doctor: do u smoke?
me: no
doctor: mmhmm *writes in my file*
me: [nervously] is…is that bad?
5: [bending his own finger backward] THIS HURTS & I DON’T KNOW HOW TO MAKE IT STOP!
Me: [sighs & closes his college savings account]
I talk to my librarian like he’s my drug dealer.
“You don’t have it yet? I need something now; what’ve you got? But it has to be POWERFUL!”
I can never find my cars keys but I won’t forget that time you checked out another woman at the mall four years ago.
It takes me about 15 hours to fully wake up in the morning
WIFE: I have a couple important announcements…First: I’m pregnant
ME: Hi Pregnant, I’m dad
WIFE: Second: No you’re not
Me: I’ll start work early so I can stop working earlier
Also me: *just works twice as many hours cuz I started earlier
Nothing fills an awkward silence like a 10 minute kazoo solo.
[plastic surgeon holds mirror up to my face]
ME: What happened!? I’m a monster!
DOCTOR: We had to postpone your surgery.
Standing on the corner with a cardboard sign that says ‘will work around red flags.’
WIFE: Where are you off to?
ME: Shits & giggles.
WIFE: What?
ME: I’m gonna read funny tweets on the toilet.
I’ve never read Catcher In The Rye, mostly because I can’t stand cereals or baseball.
I hate it when people that don’t have kids try to give u advice. I think by now I know how much pot my kids can handle, thank you very much.
[ghost writes YOUR DEAD in condensation on bathroom mirror]
“My dead what?”
[ghost writes *YOU’RE]
AAHHHHHHHHHH!
[first day at pet store]
me: you want this boxed?
her: you can’t box a goldfish
me: [lacing up gloves] watch me
RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…
[looking at an old pic of me and my wife in college]
Me: Wow, you used to be hot
Wife: *death glare*
Me: …but not as hot as you are now
[first date]
Date: tell me something you’re were really good at as a kid.
Me: spelling bee.
Date: oh nice! do you still got it?
Me: b-e-e.
I deliberately mispronounce ‘quinoa’ and then adjust the server’s tip according to how condescending they are when they correct me.
[at the bar]
Her: My break up has been so hard…nothing could possibly hurt as much as this!
Sticks A Knife In People Steve: Lol
*putting wrinkle cream on my crow’s feet*
HOLD STILL, MR. VANDERBEAK!
[pushing cheese slice into ATM which is repeatedly rejected] you don’t know value
You don’t love me? Don’t worry, the first step is denial.
Me (to friend): Oh my god, you have to meet him! He’s perfect!!
[8 years later]
Silently becomes enraged at the way he butters toast.
Imagine if spiders screamed at us when we found them.
Most people don’t put music on for pets when they go out, but here’s me going back in the house to change it cuz the dog only likes Top 40.
*Making plans*
FRIEND: So how about next Thursday?
ME: Oh. No can do. I’m gonna have diarrhea all day.