I avoid eye contact like everyone is trying to sell me $20 fundraiser popcorn.
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I’m holding my head high and my middle finger a bit higher.
Viking funerals are perfect for when you want to honor a friend and also get rid of a boat.
Lol how “take you out” could mean either we’re going on a date or I’m gonna kill you.
My mom is on a road trip to Amish Country with some of my aunts.
Please help me, she’s buying me and my wife gifts.
BOSS: I’m sorry mike, but you’ve been downsized
ME: (75% of my original size, in a voice 125% higher pitched) ahh maaan
I wonder if delilah is still ghosting that guy
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
I knew a guy who came so fast it traveled through time, like he’d squeeze one boob and the jizz splattered my mom in 1955
If I learned anything in college, it’s that pepper spray only stings for a couple hours.
Whenever I’m about to give a speech in front of an audience, I imagine myself naked.
Wait, what
*I look into abyss*
*Abyss looks at me*
*Abyss blinking message in Morse code*
*I go off to learn Morse*
*I return*
“Why do we park in a dri
Every time I see a sign that says “Right lane ends,” I’m like, so does everything else, deal with it
Superman: Only one cookie left.
Batman: Rock, paper, scissors for it?
Superman: 1, 2, 3, GO!
Batman: *pulls out Kryptonite and eats cookie*
Satan why do u have pitchfork? Lotta hay in hell is there? Ok idiot
USPS clerk: does the package contain any perishables?
me: ha ha no, he’s definitely dead
guy in the stall next to me at this bar is ordering a pizza on the phone & I now realize my commitment to pizza is severely lacking
“Guests, like fish, begin to smell after three days.”
That’s why I keep everyone who comes to visit in the freezer.
Just a little reminder..
If mushrooms can grow through shit, so can you.So can you!
Heard covid makes everything taste like lacroix. I am now wearing seven masks
[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u wanted?
W: OMG
M: I’m in a bar not far from there
Gonna get “na na na na na na na na” tattooed on my forearm. I’ll tell girls it’s Hey Jude and I’ll tell dudes it’s the Batman theme.
when you and your sibling have to pretend to like each other long enough for mom to take the picture
Why do we always hurt the ones who eat the tator tots I was saving in the freezer?
ME: (right before I go under anesthesia)
SURGEON: How much you want to bet this guy is full of candy?
Tired of rap songs starting with MC going “uhuh uhuh…One two one two…Let’s do this…” No. You shoulda been ready when the song started.
Why did Shrek go with Smashmouth’s All-Star and not Roxette’s “It Must’ve Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now)”
When a movie has an exorcist, some demons are in for a bad time, but not at first.
shut up and take my money
I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.
my 8yo: this girl at camp showed me her nooks and crannies today.
me:
me: nooks and crannies?
him: it’s a kind of candy.
me: whew