My favorite thing about people singing happy birthday in a restaurant is when they stop.
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Yoda, seeing himself in 4K:
HDMI
Everyone becomes a robo-dancer with their hands when the motion sensor faucet isn’t working.
There is no real comfortable way to explain to your gynecologist that it’s your feet that smell.
Your Google Self-Driving car should be taken away if you don’t let your dog sit in the driver’s seat while you hold a map riding shotgun.
[about to be murdered]
Oh thank god. I was literally having THE. WORST. DAY.
*Watching tv*
Him: wtf are you eating?
Me: Cotton candy. *stuffing more in my mouth* The attic is full of it but I think it’s stale.
20s: Rage Against The Machine
30s: Rage Against Literally Everything
In my 20s: I’m gonna live forever!
In my 40s : uh oh
I thought I’d buy all my scratch off lottery tickets at the busiest gas station in town. What? Oh no I don’t know which ones I’ll pick them out when i get to the register
[job interview]
Him: Do you have any social media accounts?
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
bury ourselves
I think we’ve officially regressed back to medieval peasants. All we do is bake bread, revolt, and avoid plagues
Guys, I really think 50 Shades missed out on a really a big marketing slogan…
“CLIMAX IN IMAX”
I don’t know, man. Climbing Mt Everest looks super boring and dumb. You just walk uphill and are cold. No thanks.
Therapist: Have you ever had a job?
Me: I once worked at a zoo
Therapist: Great! And what did you take from that?
Me: Definitely not a penguin
Therapist: what
Me: what
Even if you are fully vaccinated, you should not lick the escalator rails…
Me: *delicately inserting plastic tassels to the ends of my handlebars*
Motorcycle Instructor, shaking his head: only if you brought enough for the whole class
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
I think all the cats in my neighborhood have started a gang. I’ve been seeing a lot of mouse related graffiti lately.
Me: I’m going to be late.
Boss, over the phone: What happened?!
Me, stuck up to my neck in rice: Well, funny story…I couldn’t find a towel.
Her: Undress me with your words…
Me: I saw a spider in your bra.
Me: I’m meal planning. Is candy corn allowed on keto?
Keto: Please leave our cult.
*Heaven*
God: you may ask me 1 question
Me: Why aren’t there lowercase and uppercase numbers?
God: what?
Me: I wanna write loud numbers
i hate workimg at the lightbulb factory!! evrey day i hav to thimk of good ideas so they can harvest the lightbulbs that apear abov my head
Im telling you. If you turn around for even one second, your toddler will take a swig of your wine.
If dogs ever learn to talk I want everyone to keep in mind that mine is a big fat liar.
[snake charmer struggling to get snake to stand up] I swear this never happens
It’s going to be so intense if Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce break up because millions of Swifties who may or may not have a favorite football team will for sure have a LEAST FAVORITE.
I hate to brag, but I just had some sizzling hot, steamy action in the shower.
(Tried to clear the drain with baking soda, vinegar and boiling water)
[getting arrested for public nudity]
Cop: PUT YOUR HANDS OVER YOUR HEAD
Me: …
Cop: YOUR OTHER HEAD