my favorite thing about Sesame Street is that everyone’s more concerned about Oscar being a grouch than the fact a vampire lives there
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i talk a lot of shit for someone thats only 80% sure minions arent real
Gwyneth Paltrow should invent a candle that smells like a brand new can of Play-Doh
Hey small town pharmacy workers. I’m gonna need you to stop yelling about my meds as I am most certainly surrounded by former teachers, ex boyfriends, and/or relatives.
Friend: Wow, you’ve been happily married for 25 years?! What is your secret?
Me: He travels, A LOT.
me: *goes outside during the day* why is the moon is so spicy
support small businesses like a mouse selling tiny umbrellas or even a bee selling tiny umbrellas
it’s so crazy how the abbreviation for pound is lb and everyone is like yeah sure ok
If anyone needs to make a fake snowy winter wonderland, for a nominal fee I can come and exfoliate on your front lawn.
everyone says “writers don’t matter” until two guys with no clue how to tell a story are tasked with bringing an end to your favorite show.
[at a funeral]
*approaches the weeping widow and embraces her*
*whispers* “So you’re single now, right?
Spent most of my day helping customers find things at Home Depot…I don’t even work there.
Her: Oh, please… You’ll make a pass at anything in a skirt.
Me: Yeah, last night a Scotsman nearly killed me!
My neighbor threw away a stair lift. Unrelated, I can now go from my couch to the bathroom without walking.
Wife: Whatcha doing?
Me: Re-enacting Noah’s Ark.
W: How?
M: I’m gonna try to fit 2 of every animal cracker in my mouth.
W: Idiot.
M: Mmmrrf.
Arm falls off
Wife: You don’t drink enough water.
I was at Asda today and a child was misbehaving so his mother pointed at me saying “if you don’t stop he’s gonna take you away” like wtf no im not
Some of these fake tans look like an old Tupperware container that’s had marinara sauce in it.
Headache Protip:
Bang your toe into something.
We brought home a betta fish, and I’ve officially spent more time deciding it’s name than I did naming the kids
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!-Amish drive by
I know dropping your phone/keys in a public toilet is bad but have you ever lost a shoe trying to kick the flusher
I don’t really WANT to make bad choices; but I got here late and all the good choices were already taken.
[Interview]
Me: Oh! The time I ate 1/2 a giant birthday cookie cake between the store & home!
Boss: I meant impressive JOB accomplishment.
I’m going to complain about the cold until a Canadian gets mad enough to say something rude, like ‘I’m sorry but it’s colder in Canada.”
[ first date ]
her: i want a partner that can open my heart
me: well i am a surge-
her: and never do anything to shock me
me: protector
If there were a prize for not having even one winning number on multiple Powerball tickets, I would be a millionaire.
Jesus: *rises after three days*
God: (while reading newspaper) well look who decided to join us
I said something about my Twitter friends to my husband yesterday and he asked me where they live (I don’t know), what they do for a living (I don’t know), if I know their last names (I do not), can I see a picture (sure!), those are cartoons, what do they really look like? (uhh)
Me: You’ll always be my girl.
Daughter: Even if I break stuff?
Me: Depends on which stuff.