my favorite thing about Sesame Street is that everyone’s more concerned about Oscar being a grouch than the fact a vampire lives there
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The art of conversation, otherwise known as two or more people each awaiting their chance to interrupt.
My 5 year old asked for a lava lamp and now I’m checking his room for drugs
My superpower is destroying the neighbors living room from 100 yards with nothing but her cat and my laser pointer.
bella waking up at the end of breaking dawn part 1
Boss: This is the third time you’ve been late for work this week. Do you know what that means?
Me: That it’s only Wednesday
I’m really trying to care about this Queen dying but she didn’t even put out any good songs
I am glad that things are opening up again. Now when I get told to go play in traffic, there actually is traffic.
Dear people who manually retweet, I hope the next time you’re about to get laid someone steps in and does it for you
The American flags on the moon have been bleached white from 44 years of solar radiation. If aliens ever attack, we’ve already surrendered.
I used to be so graceful, now I am like a puppy with a box stuck on her head
Jehovah’s Witness: Do you have time to talk about Jesus?
Jesus: *In disguise* sure
JW: He’s lame
J: *rips off fake beard* Big mistake pal
Just killed a spider IN MY BED!! So if you need me, I’ll be burning down my home and looking for a new place to live.
I’m a dentist and I graduated with 68 other ones. I’ve met even more in 13 years as a dentist. None of us have been asked shit about our opinions on toothpastes.
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Yes.
ME: lick it slam it suck it, right?
HER: give me back my baby
Just a reminder that The Batman is a Halloween movie the same way that Die Hard is a Christmas movie.
[getting murdered]
me: my computer has a virus, so u could say
[murdering pauses]
me: i’ve been hacked twice today lol
[murdering intensifies]
where do babies come from? seriously. i have no clue how they keep getting in the house.
You ever think about how there are people who can identify cars? Like instead of “brown truck” or “grey sedan” everywhere they go they’re all “that Mazda Myopia is turning left beside the 2017 Chevy Stigmata”. That’s so wild. It must be like seeing those colors only shrimp see.
You’ve been promoted to customer
#FireSomeonePolitely
WHERE WAS OBAMA DURING THE SAN FRANCISCO EARTHQUAKE OF 1906???
My forgiveness comes with the price of never forgetting.
50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT NED
NED
50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT
NED
ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME
Remembering the time my science teacher couldn’t detect my heartbeat and got angry at me as though I was deliberately withholding my pulse to bolster my goth credentials.
My coworker used to joke “I’m allergic to most nuts, but not donuts!”. Until Bill brought in peanut butter donuts. He died in the ambulance.
I’m not short or particularly thirsty, but thank you.
You guys know that there are things higher than kites, right?
Costco ….
Because you never know when your
aquarium could explode ….and you really need those 96 rolls
of paper towels.
Doctor: When he wakes from this coma, we don’t know if he’ll be the same or have brain damage
Me *opening eyes* gonna buy a duck and call it Dan Quackroyd
Doctor: Oh no
Wife: Oh shit he’s the same
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.