@thatdutchperson

My favorite thing is when there’s not enough time in therapy to bring something to conclusion and you’re just sent home with all your unearthed trauma and demons like ok cool see you next week stay hydrated

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@badbanana

Woke up screaming this morning. My apologies to everyone in the meeting.

@cbdoubleu

Sorry I burnt your degree from the University of Phoenix thinking that a better degree would rise from its ashes.

@crylenol

BAE: come over
BATMAN: i’m fighting crime
BAE: my parents aren’t home
BATMAN: *tears up* same

@thagr8short1

I never try to make guests feel at home. If they wanted to feel at home, they should have stayed there.

@annetdonahue

me to a cat or dog: and are you the best baby? the fluffiest? are you the babiest baby of them all? do you get stopped every day and asked about how it feels to be a baby?

me to a real, human baby: good afternoon. i appreciate your small shoes.

@animaldrumss

No, actually I hate gambling, that’s why the dice on my shirt are on fire. If I see someone start to gamble I’ll burn up his gambling dice.

@jimmy_sharpe

[lights focus on guy in interrogation room]

“Say it. SAY IT.”

*points at sign saying “Worcestershire Sauce”*

@danguterman

hello. i am the “friend” everyone has been asking questions for online. it has been a very rough three years but im starting to feel better. thanks for all your advice.

@PS_IRuddYou

Just drove past a new typewriter repair shop…

That’s not a front for anything illegal I’m sure…

@RidiculousSheri

My life is like a movie where two soulmates meet in line at the grocery store, except I’m the woman behind them buying tampons and cat food.