My favorite thing is when there’s not enough time in therapy to bring something to conclusion and you’re just sent home with all your unearthed trauma and demons like ok cool see you next week stay hydrated
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Me: I did pretty well. I left with four kids, and I came back with four kids.
Wife: The same four kids?
Me: I’ll be right back.
Word of the day:
Polymer – Noun – A mermaid with three boyfriends.
“Microdosing is for the weak” I whisper as I backflip onto a centaur and skip off over the rainbow
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Wife: Let me do the talking
Cop: No, I’ll do the talking
Me: Why is your wife even with you
Cop: There you go, I said this would happen
SON: Hey Dad, how come we never put a star on top of our Christmas tree?
T-REX: Just because okay
Them: I really really really want a zigga zig ahhh
Hostage negotiator: ok but you need to let the women and children go first.
Her: Mommy, why does this peanut butter jar say “contains peanuts?”
Me: Because idiots, sweetheart.
Men’s jeans: We have 1000 sizes. What is your waist? What is your height? Where are your hips?
Women’s jeans: We have two sizes, Chickpea and Sycamore
a bird blows up trying to match princess fiona’s vocal range and then fiona eats the bird’s eggs for breakfast. shrek was wild.
ME (working in a bank): Ugh I am so tired today
ROBBER: EVERYONE ON THE GROUND & DO NOT MOVE
ME [blowing up neck pillow] I could kiss you
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
BRUTUS: hail Caesar *draws knife*
CEASAR: not this time *hands Brutus an Uno “reverse” card*
B: SHIT
ROMAN SENATE:*stabs Brutus to death*
If you are rude to me & then you have the tenacity to ask me to buy Girl Scout Cookies from your kid-I’ll take 50 boxes of Thin Mints please
If you’re robbing my house, just bring a second guy to eat a pizza in front of my dog while you take whatever you want.
[examining human DNA]
Okay, that’s one twisted step ladder.
Drove past two First Baptist churches.
One of them is lying.
interviewer: the job starts at 30k but in a year you’ll be making $40k
me: *gets up* ok see you then
If you eat guns, you’ll sweat bullets.
It’s science.
[first date]
*Ok don’t let her know you’re a vampire*
“Would you like a mint?”
*reaches in pocket, pulls out SPF 5,000,000,000*
“Dammit”
ARE YOU A MAN OR A MOUSE?
“Haha a man obviously”
*Detective places cheese on table*
*suspect starts to sweat*
[first date]
HIM: Can I call you sometime?
HER: [slowly slides napkin over phone] You can’t… I lost my phone
My efforts to lose weight are starting to pay off. I gained only three pounds this month.
When you die your voice gets added to the Big Bang Theory laugh track.
[first day as furniture salesman]
Guy [inspecting bed]: nice, solid frame. Who makes it?
Me: you or your wife. Whoever gets up last really
picture a potato but sexy
lol i just tricked u into thinking of me naked
Star Wars, but every character is Owen Wilson
the worst part of the robot uprising will be the constant software updates
Handed a date my phone so he could pick a place for takeout and Postmates showed him a huge popup that said I ordered soup dumplings 3 days straight then basically said I was the #1 dumpling orderer in the city and asked if I wanted to send a personal message to the restaurant
I hate crumbs, so I eat my snacks in bed on his side.
“I’m giving you a bath, with or without you!”
(and other ridiculous things I say as a parent).