My favorite thing right now is calling air pods ‘air buds’ in front of my daughter and her friends.
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Someone: wanna hear something interesting?
Anxiety: for the love of God say no SAY NO
Me: sure
Anxiety: you brought this on yourself
Prevent future fights among your children by not owning any nice things.
Toast should never pick a fight with me because I eat toast for breakfast.
The platypus is the hotdog of the animal kingdom. All the leftovers were thrown together, and people just accepted it.
My son needed a last-minute Halloween costume so I wrapped him like a mummy with my CVS receipt.
You can also scan him for $2 off Advil.
I just ordered a set of dumbbells, so that’ll be a fun new thing to trip over while I search for the remote.
First date
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m currently trying to eliminate all cancers
Her: Wow, impressive
Him: Then I’ll move on to Virgos
*brings nachos to your exorcism*
At this point, if Pennywise tries to lure me into the sewer, I’m going.
I thought my wife was joking when she said she wanted to go to a Monkees’ concert in Switzerland, then I saw her face, now I’m in Geneva.
Actually cracking up @ this
Dating – Do you want to share my cheesecake?
Married- Touch my cheesecake and I’ll end you.
[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing[later, at my place]
Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom
Husband: Uses one pillow for his pillow wall.
Me: Adds 4 pillows, 12 bricks and 5 feet of 15.5 gauge barbed wire.
[new coffee shop]
DAY 1
barista: name?
me: Pru
b: order for Prune!DAY 2
m: Pru. P-R-U
b: Poo!DAY 3
m: JANE… MY NAME’S JANE
JOHN LENNON: He wear no shoeshine, he got…toe-jam football, he got…monkey finger, he shoot…Coca-Cola
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: what
Me: You should take a bath
Kid: You can’t make me!
Doctor: You should eat more leafy greens
Me: You can’t make me!
Food bloggers could post a recipe for ice and it’d still be 3 pages long.
I still don’t understand why we are supposed to eat the tampon afterwards
If you watch Titanic backwards, you are an idiot. That is not the way movies are meant to be watched.
dog owners: their name is buddy
cat owners: their name is cool ranch dorito
When I saw “likes music” on her dating profile, I almost fell out of my chair. Because I also like music. Holy shit she likes good food too!
[someone breaks into my house] excuse me, we take our shoes off in this house
*buys a bunch of stuff at Costco*
Sir, you wanna box for those?
“Nah, I hate violence. Can I just pay cash?”
Social media is perfect when you’re feeling sorry for yourself and your desire is to feel worse.
Wish I had a friend named Keith who was good at fighting just so I could call him a keithal weapon.
{In the Bedroom}
Wife: C’mon baby, DEEPER!
Me: *frantically reaching between the mattress and headboard* I’m trying! I don’t feel the remote anywhere.
Sorry I called animal control about your children but I really think those tranquilizer darts did the trick.
[gun shop]
ME: Does this gun come with a nuclear warhead?
CLERK: Haha no that’s illegal
ME: Ok
CLERK: You can buy the warhead separately
Angel: oh look, the humans are doing another sacrifice for you
God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it