My favorite thing to do at a rock and roll concert is to yell “kiss, kiss, kiss” every time the guitarists stand close together and face each other to riff
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Developer: We have a problem.
Manager: Remember, there are no such things as problems, only opportunities.
Developer: Well then, we have a DDoS opportunity.
Stranger: Your children are angels
Me: So was the devil
Court clerk: Are you here about your hearing?
Me: No my hearing’s fine, I think it’s that murder I did
Springtime ants in the kitchen. Go get mother her killing flip flop.
Only parents of toddlers know the anxiety of finding a sharpie lid on the floor.
If someone says, “I hate to ask you this, BUT…” you should have 4 designated friends who will jump on you & carry you out of the building like secret service agents.
Age 15: kids are stupid
Age 25: kids are stupid
Age 35: I love my kids but kids are stupid
Just finished filming my new movie, “Death on the Sidewalk.” I shot it with my car’s back-up camera.
when i was in elementary school we learned about a shape called a rhombus & that was the last time i ever heard about that shape ever again
“Objection your honor, the defense is badg-”
BADGERING THE WITNESS! JINX! You can’t talk.
*Judge gives a respectful nod* “Case dismissed.”
Lol
coworker: Do you want a plate?
me [carrying 2 pieces of cake out of the break room] For what?
do i think every one of the theories about kate middleton are batshit insane and the people who thought of them need to be examined? yes
have i absorbed every single one of them like a thirsty worm in the desert? absolutely
Why did humans stop making constellations? What’s stopping us from pointing at a pattern of stars and going “that’s Cher.”
4k tvs? no thanks i only need one
My 6yr old had a wipe out and upon assessing a minor scrape said “this is going to make it hard for me to walk since I’m right kneed.”
[scrabble]
BATMAN: pass
SUPERMAN: again?
BATMAN: can’t spell anything
SUPERMAN: *rubbing temples* not every word has to start with BAT
My wife and I decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty hard.
If by living dangerously you mean eating stuff that upsets my tummy; then yes, I live dangerously
Do you ever take a bunch of pills, forget that you took a bunch of pills, take a bunch more pills, and then die? I know. Me TOO.
If your FedEx driver isn’t hot, move to a house with a hot driver on that route.
As a Dad, you always want your kids to be prepared for real life, that’s why trolling them is so vital.
waitress: are there any allergies at this table?
me, already drunk: POLLEN
A fortnight is equal to 14 nights. Unless you live in a fort; it is equal to one night. Fort math is only complicated to non-fort dwellers.
Amazon: Based on your purchases we think you’ll love this.
Me: First of all how dare you attack me with this accuracy I need a large please.
accidentally vacuumed up my air guitar
I wish I was █████████ enough to be redacted.
Sometimes I think my neighbor down the street has pretty good taste when it comes to suits, as I try one on. At other times I think he needs a better home security system
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
Doug is just Canadian for dog