My favorite thing to do in cities is walk down busy sidewalks, pass by people, and say into my phone “Target is on the move.”
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Why are dirty words only four letters. There should be at least one 19-letter word that’s so filthy you get grounded for a month.
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a hairless cat.
I wish the Popemobile was outfitted more like a little aquarium for him. Put a treasure chest in there, maybe even a scuba guy.
It’s always the Great Wall of China, but I feel bad for all the other walls in China. They’re like
“Hey i’m a pretty good wall too.”
Parenthood is just chauffeuring a bunch of people you don’t want to chauffeur, to places you don’t want to go, at times you don’t even want to be awake, to do things you don’t want to do, for prices you damn sure can’t afford.
I’m in my late 40s raising a teenage son, tween son and toddler daughter of course my house is basically a frat house with glitter
Sochi is doing that thing where they manically try to clean the house 10 minutes before company arrives. But the house is Russia.
I’m not superstitious enough to pay attention to signs and such, but
The supermarket freezer door that holds the cheesecakes just swung open UNASSISTED, and I just don’t think I should question this one guys!!
They say, “don’t hate the player, hate the game,” but I’ve got enough hate to do both.
Him: you look tired today
Me: you look like you need a mouth that says better sentences
All I’m saying is that gay dudes butt blast each other for a reason. The asshole has the most sense receptors per area of any body part.
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills?
me: yes that number is zero
Mom, can you take us to the maul?
-teen bears, probably
My husband has Tourette’s Syndrome—
every time he drives.
[turns to buddy just before bar fight]
“I’ll take the guy with the glasses, you take the guy dressed as a ninja”
My cat was bitten by a squirrel and I have to suck the rabies out before she slips into a double cheese burger.
–how I cancel dates
I’ve never seen anyone go through drug withdrawals, but I once hid my son’s iPad for 10 minutes.
The police never think its as funny as you do.
brent use the shallow end
why
you’re not a strong swimmer
I am so *jumps*
[doesnt surface because I have $1.75 worth of change in my pocket]
if I were a pediatrician I’d break the ice with new patients by having the receptionist call my phone 3 minutes into the appointment and saying “look, Mrs Johnson, I run a busy practice- for the last time NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”
Whoever taught my five-year-old daughter how to “air quote,” I need to speak with you privately.
There’s so much pollen in the air covering everything with a blanket of yellow dust that I thought my wife went blonde.
well maybe grass should touch me for once, how about that
[Buzzfeed for Cats]
6 THINGS THAT WILL MAKE U BOLT FROM THE ROOM
-Vacuum cleaner
-Walls
-The floor
-Air
-Yourself
-Nothing. Nothing at all
Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.
FedEx would be a cool name for a restaurant for divorced couples
[assigning roles]
god: the sun shall fuel all life on earth
sun: sounds good
god: and the moon shall make tiny waves and werewolves
moon: hell yes
*looks up*
*looks down*
*looks up*
*looks down*
*turns blueprints over*“Shit.”
There’s never a good place to clip your toenails at the library.
Bond. Trauma bond.