@Swain_Train47

My favorite thing to do in cities is walk down busy sidewalks, pass by people, and say into my phone “Target is on the move.”

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@Reverend_Scott

Dog 911: what’s ur emer-

Dog: MY HUMAN IS TALKING TO ME

Dog 911: so?

Dog: THEN HE ANSWERS FOR ME IN A WEIRD VOICE

Dog 911: OMG

Dog: OMG

@Mr_Kapowski

Me: So you collect pictures of guys with their height and weight? Sounds a lot like Grindr

Friend: THEY’RE BASEBALL CARDS, JERK

@flashember

[Cop questioning suspected watermelon thief]
COP: *squints* Was it you?
GIRAFFE (who has watermelon-sized bulge halfway down his neck): Nope

@LikChan

I’m laughing way harder than I should for this image.

@AnOrangeSNES

The chef asked me how I liked my eggs and I accidentally said uneasy instead of over easy. Now I have some uncomfortable eggs staring at me.

@JohnLyonTweets

Me: I’ll have a small drink.

Fast food worker: We don’t have a small. We only have large and medium.

Me: *grabs him by collar* THE SMALLEST SIZE CANNOT BE MEDIUM! THAT LITERALLY MEANS MIDDLE!

@egg_dog

I found the perfect sign for my ‘horse haters’ club

@MoneypennyNaked

Married girls are so lucky. They can post anything they want on here because they already tricked some dumb guy into marrying them.

@murrman5

[god in a bad mood but insisting he’s fine]
I wanna make some changes to what we made yesterday
“but the spider is done”
Im adding 6 legs

@Grommit56

Every time someone puts “taken” in their bios, Liam Neeson starts killing people.