My favorite thing to do in cities is walk down busy sidewalks, pass by people, and say into my phone “Target is on the move.”
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Here is my toddler homeschooling schedule. Any questions?
8-10am: frozen
10-12pm: frozen 2
*lunch*
1-3: frozen
3-5:frozen 2
*dinner*
6-8pm: frozen
*bed*
[i walk in and hang my hat on the hook, visibly dejected]
wife: how did the interview go?!
me: terrible
wife: what? did you get a chance to show them your biggest strength?
me: yeah. guess they aren’t fans of the tickle monster
Sorry I told you that you should probably take down your Halloween profile picture when you had already put your normal picture up days ago.
If you come to my house and see a coffee cup upside down on the floor, just be my hero and put the spider outside please.
2025: The piñatas have become sentient. Children beaten mercilessly w/ sticks. Mariachi music everywhere.
Don’t mess with me man, I will put glitter on everything you love.
NFL catch rules are absurd. “Even though it looked like he caught it, he hadn’t accepted the ball into his heart. Therefore, incomplete.”
Make a dating service for introverts and call it Mumble
Giving the guy at the park with a machete a wide berth.
i will avenge u mr van gogh
Bird: Good morning! How are you?
Me: Oh my God! You can talk!
Bird *tapping his Bluetooth ear piece*: I missed what you said, some jackass is shouting at me.
They say dress for the job you want, so here I am, causally dressed as the moon
In Hell you have to drive with balloons in the car and you have to put them in the car with the doors open.
[At Adele Concert]
Adele: Hello from the other siiiiiide
Me (shouting): Tell us your surname
I think the elementary school music teacher was overly optimistic when she said we may recognize this next song.
My password is ELEPHANT. It may not be the strongest but I never forget.
My husband gets me to scream his name by doing his signature move of not leaving any toilet paper in the bathroom.
accidentally emailed my kid’s kindergarten enrollment form to UC Berkeley admissions instead of Berkeley Unified School District. we’ll see what happens. maybe he’ll get in
8 year gap on resume that just says “karate”
even if i become ranked as a grand master in chess im still going to call it a horsey
Bet sidewalk and fireplace were named by the same person
[screaming from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] Can you turn up the radio I love this song
The cops said 911 was for emegencies only and not for me to report suspicious looking clouds.
banking website: thank you for your transfer as a reminder the total you can move between accounts in any one given business day is $1,000,000
me, sitting on a milk crate in a studio apt i share with two other guys: ok
All the other soldiers are mad at me because I keep making helicopter noises when they’re trying to sleep
The perfect #Easter meme doesn’t exi…..
Monopoly banker (inspecting check): Um, I’m gonna have to call the manager.
Giant metal shoe: I’ve been doing business here FOR 20 YEARS.
To keep yourself healthy you should get 8 hours of sleep a day.
To keep the planet healthy you should get 24.
Give a man a fish he eats for a day then explains fishing to you even though you’re the one who gave him the fish
[Prehistoric times]
Mom: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDaughter: So I gather