My favorite thing to say to old people is, “When I was your age I didn’t believe in reincarnation either”.
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People are waiting for flying cars and I’m just waiting for my supermarket to install cup holders on trolleys so I can have tea while I shop
Peanuts are legumes
Cocoa is a fruit
Sugar is a beetConclusion: Snickers is a salad
French toast is just bread that bathes in milk like some pampered Egyptian queen.
an emergency cyanide capsule to bite when someone’s about to explain bitcoin
Bit creepy of my maths teacher to put a little kiss after each answer.
My college girlfriend texted me for the first time in 10 years this weekend and I’m 1 million percent sure this is Adele’s fault
Gandalf: Frodo, you have the fortitude to carry the ring and resist its power.
Frodo: *puts the ring on twice in one hour*
Gandalf: ffs
Please tell me I’m not the only one who has tried to open my front door by clicking on a car remote..
It’s getting harder and harder to watch teen shows and movies and not side with the parents
Dog: Dude, I’m your best friend.
Me: You shit on the carpet today.
Dog: *sighs* Look around you, Fitz. I’m still your best friend.
Why did Gandalf bring a firework that suddenly transforms into a dragon to an elderly dragon attack survivor’s birthday. does he not like Bilbo
If you have joint pain..
You’re probably holding it by the wrong end.
Hates everyone who has a cooler birthstone than mine.
30% of parenting is just asking,
“Why is this wet?”
doctor: open up
me: it all started when my dad left
doctor: and say ahh
me: oh
doctor: no, “ahh”
Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
Dog outside: Hey! Listen up all you losers! I’m the coolest dog on this block! No one is smarter or funnier than me! Get used to it!
My dog from the window: THAT’S! NOT! TRUE! Who said that?! Show yourself! I think you’re awful!!
Thank you for fixing my bends, but why on Earth did you crack my rims?!
them: did u get my email?
me: [saw it but completely forgot to respond] omg no can u resend?
15: what do you risk becoming from taking drugs….
Me: …addicted
15: what do you risk becoming from smoking cigarettes…
Me: …addicted
15: what smacked you in the face last night?
Me: …go to your room
Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself five years from now?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
I’m surprised Cinderella didn’t become a psycho killer because I’ve seen some bitches go batshit crazy when they’ve lost a shoe.
Me: it was my grandmother’s ring
Her: *gasp* it’s beautiful
Me: and this is my mother’s wedding dress
Her: your… your family is okay with you trick or treating in that?
My 9-year-old drew her dream bedroom for an assignment at school. I asked her to show me so I could see if there were any simple upgrades I could do. She had my attention at the skydiving zone but lost me at the built-in McDonald’s.
welp
Whenever a friends says “Join the gym with me” I say, “Go to church with my Mom for me”. Shuts ‘em up every time.
Mugger: Gimme yer wallet & don’t do nuthin dumb
Me: That’s a double negative, my friend. Unlike Romance languages, English – hey, come back
[sex]
GF: u bring protection?
ME: ya [i show a gun]
GF: not what I meant
ME: I kno, I have a fox guarding us. The gun is for if it wigs out