white woman who visited India once and owns a bead curtain: Learn to remove negativity from your space. Instead of November learn to say YESvember.
me: that doesn’t make any-
woman: You’re a slave to western medicine. Buy a healing wand from my Etsy. It’s $48 and is a stick.
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“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
HR: You can’t wear a bathrobe on Casual Friday.
Me: *Removes robe*
HR: PUT THAT BACK ON!
Me: Make up your mind.
If dolphins are so smart, how come they work at Sea World?
LOIS: look! up in the sky!
JIMMY: it’s a bird! it’s a plane!
BABY: *opens wide*
At 36, I still have no idea what to do with my hands when I’m in front of a group of people.
*hands on hips*
*hands in air*
*does macarena*
12 years ago i adopted a highway. today is the day we have the talk. im not a highway son, but you are and i want you to be proud of that.
Joke’s on my neighbour, I actually like being kept locked in his shed.
ONLY Justin Bieber could make doing drugs look not cool…
Whoa 😂
“Behold, a 3 headed cat” “um, its just 3 cats taped together” “Behold, a 12 legg…*tape rips, one cat runs away*..errr 8 legged cat.”
When the the bladder control commercial with the jingle “Gotta go, gotta go, gotta go right now” came on my 5 year old asked “mommy, do these ladies really have to go to the bathroom or do they just think they do” thus becoming the youngest menopause expert in the world.
My therapist said to choose a “calming” word to keep repeating to myself when I’m angry. I chose “Stabbing”.
We’ll see if it helps.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
IDEA: an app that tells you where that bruise came from.
I’ve been jogging for 6 minutes & there are, literally, 9 vultures circling above me.
I enjoy holding the door open for people who are far away so they feel like they have to run a little.
at the grampys, about to anounce who won the grampy award. open envelope. its grandpa!!! you did it congratulations
The rose petal scene from American Beauty, but just me naked and covered in candy wrappers.
me: this is my horse mayo
friend: why did you call him that?
mayo: [neighs]
Everyone sings “Can’t Take My Eyes Off Of You” to their selfies, right guys? Guys?…
I have yellow mustard, grainy mustard, dry mustard, mustard seeds, Dijon mustard, and horseradish mustard. That part of my life is in order.
[heaven]
Abraham Lincoln: If only I’d stayed in that night instead of going to that show.
Batman’s parents: Same.
I’ve seen such a change in myself this past year. I’ve really grown a lot. I need bigger pants
*ship enters earth atmosphere*
Alien 1: Finally a signal *turns radio on*
*Ed Sheeran ‘Shape Of You’ plays*
Alien 2: SO sick of this guy OMG
Me: I just souped up my car
Person: What kind of engine did you put in it?
*cut to me filling my car with tomato soup*
Me: Um… A fast one.
DAD: *to my brother* Just be yourself.
ME: And me?
DAD: Just be your brother.
At the park yesterday my 4yr old was talking to one of the dads, being all charming and cute, complimenting his tattoos. Then he started telling him about mommy’s tattoos and pointing me out. Good to know I’ve got a good wingman if I ever need one.
Me: I don’t want to fill up on bread.
Executioner: This is literally your last meal.
I’m using my husband’s phone today because mine is broken and he has his font so small I think only ants can read it.
The vast majority of spider couples met on the web.