My favorite way of establishing dominance is to spend hours cleaning my entire room and then say “sorry it’s so messy” when people come in
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My 8-year-old correctly used the word “aesthetic” in a sentence.
When I asked her where she learned it, she said YouTube.
That site is ruining her life. It’s turning her into an English major.
I’d like to give a shout-out to the shower curtain, for always sticking by my side
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: I guess you could say I made a [turns to camera] grave mistake
Only 1490’s kids will remember this
*sails from Europe and destroys an indigenous population*
My 11yo told me it was my job to entertain her, and when I protested that my only jobs were feeding, clothing and loving her she said “You didn’t read the manual did you?” And I’m like “holy crap THERE WAS A MANUAL?????”
I’m at the age where I need at least 3 weeks advance notice before doing anything spontaneous
I got everyone a pet snake for Christmas but you have to catch it, they’re in my house, they’re everywhere, please come get your snake.
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
Standing outside your window holding a rotisserie chicken above my head.
Him: I started dating a younger woman…. She’s sixty-five.
Me: And her parents are OK with this?
Sexiest Man Alive implies there’s a Sexiest Man Dead
Okay everybody it’s Zero Hour for this website, post your favorite tweets and give them a little kiss goodbye.
What if you told a joke on stage then left. Then every few minutes for the next hour you peek out the curtain to see if anyone new is laughing at your joke. That’d be crazy right? That’s Twitter.
Five Little Monkeys jumping on the bed
One fell off and bumped his head
Mama sipped wine and said, “told ya.”
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 85,432 times, you’re a weatherman
I snuggle with my sweetie boo and seductively ask, “Would you still think I’m cuddly without skin?”
Wife: Don’t tweet that
Me: *thinks about it*
Wife: I’ll divorce you
Me: *thinks harder*
Wife: And give you all 4 kids
Me: *hits delete*
Hotel Security just knocked on my door to deliver a package. He asked for indentification. I showed him my book,with my name and face on it
Me: *looking at phone*
Her: *says something*
Me: Uh huh.
Her: *says something*
Me: Uh huh.
Her: Oh, yay! I was afraid you’d say it was too expensive.
Me: Crap.
Curling is an Olympic sport.
What about Straightening ?There are women who can do
amazing things with a flat iron.
Pilot: Hi folks, I thought it’d be nice to speak to you out here instead of over the intercom. Unrelated, is anyone on board a locksmith?
Nancy Drew and the mystery of the seven minute stroller nap delaying bedtime by two hours
I respected tiger sharks a lot more after I realized how many hurdles tigers and sharks had to overcome to breed with each other.
Caterpillar: no legs wtf how do I get around?
God: *wearing bird mask* BOO
Caterpillar: o000ö
God: haha jk it’s just me
Caterpillar: oOOOö
God: SEE YOU’RE DOING IT
If my Roomba don’t like you, I don’t like you.
SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: what sayst thou to me now? speak once again
SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: wtf does ides mean
SOOTHSAYER: 15th
CAESAR: say 15th then
Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them.
This is not a coincidence.
They’re making kids learn Chinese characters in school, so they can pick out a really good lower back tattoo when they get older.
I guess it’s time to start acting my age. Seriously when I was born, the Dead Sea was just sick.
I’m at a Metallica concert, and the woman beside me just used her phone to google “Metallica.”