My favorite way to eat eggs is inside chocolate cake mix.
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My package got from New York to Chicago in the same business day. Over the next four days it has traveled less than 20 miles, although it moves every day. I think it is walking here.
8yo played some songs for me on the recorder, and I clapped enthusiastically when she was done, but then she glared at me because it was just the intermission and all I’m saying is thank god this venue has wine.
One time i was at a party where this guy began a complicated monologue that was directed at me about bitcoin futures, so what i did was i used a meditation technique that i learned from a blackjack dealer at a mormon casino where i just dropped dead right on the spot.
How I’d get arrested…
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
Your love is like Vicodin. You take away my pain but make me sick to stomach afterwards and you’re also white.
A friend of mine was telling me that his wife thinks he’s too impulsive. I told him, “What does she know, you only met her yesterday.”
When reading a friend’s work, always remember, it’s helpful to give brutally honest notes, especially if you have too many friends.
Her: Ugh. Don’t look at me. I’ve put on a little baby weight.
Me: DEAR GOD!! WHY ARE YOU EATING SO MANY BABIES!?
Years ago I tried on my sister’s bra, couldn’t undo the clasp & was too embarrassed to ask for help. I’m still wearing it. I live in shame.
People should throw rice at baptisms and not weddings that little baby is all wet and needs help drying.
If you say “anyways” instead of “anyway,” that’s alls I needs to knows abouts yous.
The only thing worse than finding a hair in your food is realizing that the person who prepared it has a bald head.
person i just met reaches out for hand shake
me, realizing my hand is embarrassingly cold: thanks but i know enough people
11 year old: Daddy, I heard a new song called Bohemian Raspberry, do you know it?
Ground Control: the papers want to know whose shirts you wear!
Major Tom: tell my wife I love her very—
Ground Control: WHAT SHIRTS TOM
Does your wife know you met your soulmate here three times last month?
“Mr. President, you have some Updog in east Syria.”
“What’s Updog?”
“[unfurls projector screen] Updog is a military terrorist organizati
The toughest part of any long distance relationship is the 6 hour drive to slash their tires.
I bet my mom is looking down on me right now, wherever she is.
She’s not dead, just very condescending.
At least chocolate chip cookies don’t look like brains. I’m talking about you, cauliflower.
came out to my parents (!) and my dad was like, oh that’s nice! i thought you were going to ask for money!
Son: Dad, can you teach me how to use a condom?
Me: Yeah so you just put the drugs in, swallow it, and then poop it out when the plane lands.
Spanish people feed their horses hay, but the naughty ones get George.
Do you like them? I made them from scratch. Do you want one? – me introducing my kids to strangers.
This cat poop tastes like I’m about to get yelled at.
— Dogs
Stop pissing me off or I’ll marry you
Cashier: How are you today?
Me: You too.
🤦🏻♂️
Patanjali salt label says it was created 250 million years ago from Himalayan rocks. Expiry is in 2018. Guess they dug it up just in time!😄
your annual reminder that rodents have no ability to predict the weather.