My favorite word in the English language is “Amen” because when I hear it I know you’re finally done asking Me for stupid shit.
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I bought a off brand Roomba for black Friday and im already having a Detroit: Become human experience with it.
“stop dont go there”
off brand roomba: “goes there (faster)”
EARTH: Goodnight Moon
MOON: Goodnight Earth
EARTH: Come closer and give me a kiss
MOON: Okay
{millions perish in massive tidal wave}
Haven’t seen Paranormal Activity 4 yet so PLEASE don’t tell me which lamp falls over.
I’m about to lose 20 pounds.
*Releases the weight of everyone’s expectations off my shoulders.
Currently on minute 137 of Easy~Bake Oven cupcakes. I’ll be live Tweeting their status as they crisp up over the next day or two.
If she’s “one-in-million” there’s 1,344 of her in China.
how do lawyers not cry when arguing
Everyone always jokes that women are obsessed with shoes but my female friends aren’t the ones posting 6 sneaker insta pics a week
🎶 I’m a joker
I’m Al Roker
I’m a forecast broker
Looks like Tuesday there’ll be sun 🎶
2025: The piñatas have become sentient. Children beaten mercilessly w/ sticks. Mariachi music everywhere.
i know my boyfriend’s not an empath bc he walks really fast while im wearing heels
*agrees with someone online* Yeah, I agree.
*disagrees with someone online* YOU’RE NOT JUST WRONG YOU’RE HITLER AND I HATE YOU FOREVER
Actually, I’d rather listen to your dog barking than you yelling at it to stop.
when your food arrives but you have to wait for everyone else at the table
Leg day is just a fake day invented by Big Leg to sell more leg
My 3 yr old is so encouraging. I changed my shirt; she says”Daddy, you did it!” If she finds out I use the potty by myself, she’ll flip out.
Bunnies are not the same as cats, but I dare you to tell the difference in a blind taste test.
Why does my kid always want to become a vegetarian after I’ve bought a shitload of meat
Accidentally put the Ouija board in the monopoly box so now whenever you land on free parking it summons a ninth level demon
I just ran a .003048K
I have started going to a psychiatrist about my belief that I’m an owl and I haven’t looked back since.
The average parent spends roughly 2.7 years of their life picking up crayons from under restaurant tables.
“You know…”
[takes drag of cigarette]
“That energy bar is full of sugar”
[exhales]
Don’t scream. I came to your house because you never responded to my DMs. Are you OK?
*Takes off clothes
*Enters meeting room naked
*Coworkers gasp in horror
*Slowly backs out of room[whispers] “you said debriefing”
velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property
*doorbell rings, I open door*
Alien: Hi! Do you have a moment so I can teach you highly advanced life skills that will save your species?
Me: Yes! My vacuum is making a funny noise. Could you look at it?
Alien calls back to mothership: Can’t I just vaporize her?
[being murdered]
Me: hey Alexa, how about a little mood music over here
My husband just got so tired of our argument he threw himself down the imaginary steps behind the couch.