@TheTweetOfGod

My favorite word in the English language is “Amen” because when I hear it I know you’re finally done asking Me for stupid shit.

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@taladorei

with everyone on lockdown, the lime scooters are finally returning to the river. nature is healing, we are the virus.

@DougStanhope

16 year olds can vote in Scotland. That’s ok because they’ve been drinking since they were 9 and understand disillusionment.

@MarfSalvador

[Morgue]
Cop: Sir, I know it’s tough but we need you to ID the body

Me looking at corpse: *takes deep breath* Are—are you over 21?

@Try2StopME

Customer care: Your call is important to us, please hold on.

Customer: *completes graduation* *gets a job* *gets married* *gets old* *dies*

@Quartzjixler

Dancing Prime Minister
Dancing Chancellor of the Exchequer
Dancing Lord Privy Seal
-ABBA explores dance vis-a-vis constitutional monarchies

@Tmoney68

Apparently, it’s “bad manners” to stare at a female coworker for 30 seconds, then ask if she’s self-conscious about her hair.