My favorite word in the English language is “Amen” because when I hear it I know you’re finally done asking Me for stupid shit.
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The Bachelorette would be a lot more entertaining if the girl was a Praying Mantis.
no one:
my 5yo: you can’t be mad without eyebrows
I cried at a wedding once. The reception was a cash bar.
“Can I speak to your manager please?”
“I AM the manager”
Ok guys, very important meeting at the Waldorf Astoria Shovel Palace. Bring your own shovel!
I’m deleting all my dating apps cause I’m worried my boyfriend might find out about them
Husband:
Why are there no owls here? I WAS LEAD TO BELIEVE THERE WOULD BE OWLS HERE!
#hooters
Muppet Screams
Apparently new moms are supposed to “sleep when the baby sleeps,” but I have yet to find anyone who has mastered the art of sleeping while driving or pushing a stroller.
When you’re pushing 40, the real life challenge is to find the pic angle where you don’t look like Jabba the Hut.
Who’s this, “Chris Moss,” everyone keeps telling me to marry today? Chris better be short for Christine, or something.
Morning my dudes.
[Trying to hire a hitman]
“Yes, I’d like to buy one murder please.”
Money’s missing from under my pillow, I think I’ve been visited by the teef fairy.
Boy ant: Feel like a swim?
Girl ant: Can’t, I’m not boy ant.
will i understand 28 days later if i haven’t first seen 28 days
I know things ordinary people don’t know because ordinary people don’t talk to squirrels.
Did you hear about the explosion at the cheese factory?
Apparently, all that was left was da brie.
***ba dum tissssss***
A shark can sense a drop of blood from 3 miles away, and a mom can sense you’re not getting enough to eat from 10,000.
So, apparently, “My old girlfriend liked it!” isn’t a good defense when your significant other doesn’t like the Taco Bell gift certificate you got her for Valentine’s.
“Hi, I’m here for Paradox Club.”
-Actually this is Oxymoron Club.
“Ok, same difference.”
*looks at group*
-Oh, this guy is good.
Cargo pants are for when you want to wear khakis, but also want to be a backpack.
When you hug someone, think of all the poop you are just inches away from.
In elementary I got all the chicks because my box of crayons had a built-in sharpener. Been on a dry spell ever since. Just me & my crayons.
“Slow down, it’s not a race,” I tell my kids because I want that last piece of pizza.
[first day as a dentist] *encounters tongue* huh. this isn’t teeth
rich people: i want to help
everyone: donate your money
rich people: if only there was something i could do
everyone: donate your money
rich people: some sort of gesture
everyone: donate. your. money.
rich people: here’s the lyrics to “same love” superimposed over a sunset!
Wow, my son running for student body president just punched a kid on the school newspaper & then the school board made my son the principal.
FACT: Carrots may be good for your eyes but alcohol will double your vision.