left my hotel balcony door open a bit and a pigeon wandered in, stole some of crackers, screamed at me and then left. so yeah when i die i wanna reincarnate as a big city bird
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It was 80s day at my 8yo’s school so I told him to walk to school and be home before dark.
exec: any ideas for new kids shows
writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster
exec: nice. what else?
writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite
exec: love it. any more?
writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun
Facebook game requests are like the Jehovah’s Witnesses of the internet. No matter how much you say no thank you, they just keep showing up.
[buying a wood chipper]
ME: So does blood splatter everywhere when a body goes in?
SALESMAN: What?
ME: What?
I’m not the life of the party I am the weird basement noises of the party
Me: Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who’s the …
Mirror: Comb your hair.
I miss the days when my 2yo didn’t have opinions and I could dress him in whatever I wanted.
You’re a busy woman. Let the smoke alarm tell you when the chicken’s done.
I keep people from talking to me by picking up leaves off the ground and eating them.
5-year-old: I wish we all had infinity dollars
Me: That’d wreck the economy
5: I just-
Me: Go to your room until you understand inflation
Not really sure why I have a Google Home, it’s only inadvertently used by people on my TV.
me 10m after sprinkling lavender essential oil on my pillow: I am one with all beings
me 10m after getting in my car: learn how to use the left lane you piece of human shit
If I was rich I’d have two hedge mazes. One from which there can be no escape. And one for more lighthearted affairs and casual mazing.
“You’re going out with that boy again? He’s no good.”
“Relax, grandma.”
*furiously knits a condom*
“Grandma, that’s not how it works.”
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: like this 🙏
grateful there’s a whole airline for virgins . i do NOT want them on my flight
when im eating a salad and some leaf stems are sticking out of my mouth i feel like a brontosaurus
Is that a banana in your pocket because to be honest my potassium is really low and
“WHAT IS THAT NOISE?”
“Mom…”
“IS IT DEATH METAL?”
“It’s…”
“ARE YOU A DEVIL WORSHIPPER?!”
“One Direction.”
“ARE YOU GONNA KILL THE DOG?!”
Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
Me: will I find a wife
Fortune teller: no
Me: u didnt do the thing with the cards
Fortune teller [flips one card, maintains eye contact]: no
That’s not a tweet.
Alcohol: Yes it is.
Awakening a volcano by throwing a rock
Me: I haven’t spoken to my mom in years. I do love her though.
Therapist: She isn’t going to live forever. You should call and tell her.
Me: You’re right…*dials number*
Mom, you’re going to die *hangs up*
I hope there’s a special place in hell for the guy who, right as the Zoom meeting leader was wrapping up, self-indulgently pontificated for five minutes and extended the meeting thus forcing me to involuntarily test the microphone “mute” feature with an epic string of expletives.
at the salon thinking of going darker for winter
maybe i’ll kill the shampoo girl
Her: are you almost done?
Me: it got a bit tedious in the middle but i’m on the last page
Cheesecake Factory waiter: please sir, my shift ended 4 hours ago
If you’re thinking what I’m thinking, here’s my therapist’s card.
“Hey, boo”
– a casual ghost
Just ate a Pop-Tart off of a real plate like some kind of goddamn oil magnate