I can’t believe this Avengers movie will be the last one before the next one comes out.
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him: *on one knee*
me: you disrespectful piece of–
Common sense: Walk away.
Me: No.
i am going as a ‘credit card’ to this halloween party, cause i plan on being used irresponsibly.
For those who wanted a world without vaccines, this is the world without ONE vaccine.
“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, I didn’t have my phone” is bullshit.
“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, my phone was four feet away and a cat climbed into my lap” is real. It’s possible. It’s terrifying.
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that made fun of me in high school
I’ve never once been able to explain my car trouble to a mechanic without resorting to sound effects.
If bras are called over the shoulder boulder holders then panties should be named under the hip lip grippers.
date: I love a man who’s self aware
me: I’m honestly below average looking and pretty boring
date: *gets super turned on*
I just clipped my little toe on patio furniture. Prayers needed for my husband who rearranged everything without telling me.
him: *walking into the kitchen* don’t you feel guilty eating Nutella right out of the jar?
me: *licking the spoon* only if I can’t finish the jar
Django and Bjork, sitting in a tree, j-j-j-j-j-j-j.
HER: *picking dandelion* blow this and make a wish
ME: *fully inserting into mouth* how do I know when it’s done *spitting out seeds* oh it’s done
Girl, are you Excel? Because I claim to know you but I’m probably oblivious to 98% of what you’re able to accomplish
those who pour milk into the bowl then add the cereal are villains at heart. we all know the correct way is to pour the milk directly into the box of cereal
Me: My daughters are fighting non stop this summer.
Parent with sons: My boys tore off our garage door yesterday and painted 1/5 of our house orange.
I hope you get that part you auditioned for, that gig you called about, that job you applied for, the promotion you deserve, the all clear on the medical test you’re nervous about, the text from your crush, the acceptance letter from the school you applied to. Namaste.
“Do you, Phil, take Amanda as your lawfully wedded wife? Will you honor and obey her? Will you take her in sickness and in health? Would you like to update Adobe Acrobat now, or later?”
Every day I go to work and draw a little tick on everyone who didn’t say goodbye to me the day before.
I don’t ask a lot from an elevator, but if you can’t get the buttons right, what else did you screw up?
Don’t believe anything a weatherman says until he takes off the jacket and rolls up the sleeves.
How do I tell someone respectfully to die in a fire?
And then Satan said, “save time ~ respond to her text with a K.”
I’m starting to think my wife is only having sex with me to improve her FitBit stats.
[creating pandas]
Angel: How about a cute looking bear thats shit at sex?
God: Make it black & white we’re running low on colours.
6yo: What is a solar eclipse?
Me: Have you ever been outside in the dark?
6yo: yeah
Me: same idea
Looking through 15’s yearbook:
Me: you’d crack up looking at my high school yearbook from 1995.
8: did they have color pictures back then?
😒
I taught my kid the importance of stop, drop and roll at an early age. Now he never blocks my view of the television.
The phrase “don’t take this the wrong way” has zero % success rate
What I thought was happening: a coworker handed me my vape bc I left it laying around
What was actually happening: my coworker was showing me her new vape which neither of us knew looked exactly like mine
What I did: said “oh thanks” and put it in my pocket