My favorite Yoga Pose is the Upward Facing Couch Potato.
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Oh sure, a 3yo can get candy for not pooping their pants, but when I demand wine for successful defecation, I get sent home by HR.
My cat just brought me my purse and car keys not sure what he’s trying to tell me.
The doctor looked sad when he came into the exam room but he cheered up when he saw my “live fast, die young” tattoo so I’m excited to hear what he has to say
*E=mcHammer
*when E is a constant variable that can’t be touched
me: *finally catching up financially*
the brakes on my car: hehe
Oh how all 5 feet 3 inches of me breathed a sigh of relief today at work when they announced that the tallest person in every group had to facilitate the breakout discussions.
Hearing aid salesman: You’ll be able to hear everything people say.
Me: Hard pass.
ME: So listen, if we pay a little extra, can we have the baby in color, instead of black-and-white?
ULTRASOUND TECHNICIAN: Sir, I’m gonna explain this one more time…
*pronounces “vaseline” like “baseline”*
the only difference between a hoarder and a collector is the smell
ME *enters new password*
COMPUTER: Ok
M: Aren’t u going tell me it’s too weak?
C: I’ve seen your life & more criticism just seems unkind
Everyone is all “love is patient” during the wedding but when there’s a long line for the open bar, not so much.
Date: You shouldn’t be using a straw
Me: I know, I know, it’s bad for the environment
Date: It’s just a weird way to eat spaghetti
Trust me, I’m a [*checks notes*] doctor.
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
“Wow, it smells like *sniff* wait what the?”
*Rips blind fold off and sees house burning down*
“Omg!”
Narrator: The power of Febreeze
“You called about a break-in?”
“I did.”
“Anything stolen?”
“Just some food.”
“Anything else?”
“She messed up the furniture.”
“She?”
“Blonde girl. Jumped out the window.”
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.
Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
It’s not fair how many boring things my nephew gets out of going to simply by shitting his pants.
(Seductively stripping out of clothes)
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
So, when she said she wanted a ‘fairy-tale’ romance, she didn’t actually want me to eat her grandma or lock her in a tower?
Dating is hard.
Science Fact: If you see it later, it was an alligator. If you see it after a while, it was a crocodile.
Owen Wilson has made around $217,838,000 from his movies. He averages around 3500 words per movie in 47 movies. That’s about $1,324 per word. “Wow” was 102 of those words. Owen Wilson has made roughly $135,072 from saying wow goodnight twitter
My girlfriend lives over 200 miles away serving life in prison and she just killed her cell mate, 3 guards, broke out and held an Uber driver at gun point for a 4 hour drive just to come see me for an hour. IF THEY WANNA SEE YOU THEY’LL MAKE THE EFFORT
Anakin: How do we get in?
Obi-Wan: We’ll be stealthy.
*turns on huge, glowing laser sword*
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
I went to the feed store for dog food and came back with 5 baby chickens.
I shouldn’t be allowed to have grownup money
As far as I’m concerned the person who made kids toothpaste sparkly neon blue can go straight to hell. Twice a day I have to clean Smurf vomit from my sink. #smurfvomit #gotohell
The inventor of rock, paper, scissors must have been an extremely dangerous man if he considered paper a weapon.
Other kids wanted to be astronauts or doctors, when I was little I wanted to be a horse calendar