I put the ‘fun’ in functional alcoholic.
My favourite gymnastics move is the double cheeseburger.
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Some nights I stare at the stars wondering if you can see the same ones
Then I realize, of course you can, I’m in your backyard
never seen my husband madder than the time i snuck on his facebook and blindly ‘liked’ every single post on the feed for 10 minutes
*walks out of prison, a free man.
*guards shouting from gate
“From! At! For! With!”
“Oh, we always end sentences with a preposition”
Cat toys that look like actual mice are going to be the reason for my heart attack
The soul weighs 21 grams. We know this because the Jurassic World film reels are 21 grams lighter than Jurassic Park
Today I learned that a Roomba does not clean dog poop very well, but it does leave a trail as to where I can find it.
just remembered this lol
If I wake up at 4:30, I’ll have 2 uninterrupted hours to exercise, clean and make a healthy breakfast.
*sets alarm for 6:30*
Me: Where were you supposed to poop?
2-year-old: The potty.
Me: So why didn’t you?
2: I’m too busy.