HER: I still think you made up that word just so you could win at Scrabble
ME: that’s ridictacular
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Vin Diesel’s real first name is Vehicle Identification Number.
yeah 😭
Well, well, well if it isn’t the 5 lbs I thought I lost.
my youngest started kindergarten today and I cried but mostly for his teachers
A lot of women think you have to chose between a career and a family, but I’m here to tell you that you can have neither.
went to a dinner last night and we are struggling
8yo: *drawing family portrait*
Me: Hey, aren’t you forgetting someone?
8yo: Oh yeah. *draws Fortnight character*
But that’s my emotional support bin of clothes that are too small for me now.
Amazon Tracking:
1. We’re not sure it exists.
2. Your package has arrived.
My favorite position in bed is getting off it for pizza
my immune system told me it’s a lover not a fighter
Coffee so strong, you finish the “to do” list, that you haven’t even written yet.
I’m disgusted by the amount of nudity on Netflix these days. There’s hardly any. What am I even paying for?
I’m “made an ashtray in art even though my parents don’t smoke because that was the assignment” years old.
Chefs seem obsessed with removing more and more of the original structure of foods:
Salmon mousse
Basil foam
Strawberry dust
Parmesan airWhere does it end?
Venison déjà vu
A memory of broccoli
A vicious rumour about carrots
Tombstone: Here lies Houdini
2nd Tombstone: Now I’m over here
Thanks to technology, family members from across the country can still have meetings to discuss what a disappointment you are.
Torturer: you shock him this time
Me: more people have been on the moon than won Takeshi’s Castle
Torturer: no not— wait really
I am not that kind of woman…I”m much worse.
Me: I don’t know what to do on my date
Friend: show her some local culture[later]
Date: hi
Me: *holds out hands* look at this yogurt
A group of arsonists is called a firing squad.
A fun thing to do is scream “JENGA!” and yank a ladder out from under somebody.
brian had himself a morning…
I keep a chalk outline of myself drawn outside my house so any murderers think, “dang, someone’s already got the murdering covered here”
“Mr. Trump how will you beat Hillary Clinton?”
TRUMP: I’ll win NY, Florida, Ohio, we’re going to add states, Gerzona, Timbaland, Waterworld
[at the pearly gates]
I said, “send me a selfie.”
Then she said, “too ugly today.”
So I said, “never stopped you before”
…& here I am.
Kinda rude the way this hedgehog is running away from me when I’m trying to stick cheese on his spikes.
Ooh. Remove card RAPIDLY, not RABIDLY. I think I owe the lady at pump 2 an apology.
Dentists that pass out lollipops at the end of your child’s dental cleaning, are passing out little pieces of job security.