[at the drug store]
Employee: May I help you, sir?
Me (nervously): YEAH, I’M LOOKING FOR SOMETHING CALLED A “CHILL PILL”
My favourite machine at the gym is the television.
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Before paying a psychic, test them with a surprise punch
grandad: a tattoo will negatively affect your future
me: cut your carbon emissions
Want me like my shower curtain does.
why did double and triple dog dares go of out style. it’s win-win. you either see your friends do stupid things or you win two to three dogs
Everybody at this intervention is telling me I have a drug problem but I’m not the one with a melting eagle face & gyrating serpent arms.
Interviewer: so your last job you worked in IT?
Me: no, it says “worked it”
I: worked what?
[disco ball drops]
[rips off pants]
Why do people put ice cream in a bowl when it already comes in one?
Ian: “I’d like to report my guide dog missing.”
Cop: “Right. When did you last see him?”
Ian: “I’ve never seen him.”
Oohh, you play bass, as in the guitar. I thought you played bass, like the fish. I would’ve paid to see that.