@Carbosly

My favourite machine at the gym is the television.

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@squirrel74wkgn

[at the drug store]

Employee: May I help you, sir?

Me (nervously): YEAH, I’M LOOKING FOR SOMETHING CALLED A “CHILL PILL”

@tweetsbyrocket

grandad: a tattoo will negatively affect your future

me: cut your carbon emissions

grandad: no

@electrolemon

why did double and triple dog dares go of out style. it’s win-win. you either see your friends do stupid things or you win two to three dogs

@robfee

Everybody at this intervention is telling me I have a drug problem but I’m not the one with a melting eagle face & gyrating serpent arms.

@uncle_fescue

Interviewer: so your last job you worked in IT?

Me: no, it says “worked it”

I: worked what?

[disco ball drops]

[rips off pants]
Me: “it”

@McClaneJohn2

Why do people put ice cream in a bowl when it already comes in one?

@stephenjmolloy

Ian: “I’d like to report my guide dog missing.”
Cop: “Right. When did you last see him?”
Ian: “I’ve never seen him.”

@jlock17

Oohh, you play bass, as in the guitar. I thought you played bass, like the fish. I would’ve paid to see that.