My favourite machine at the gym is the television.
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INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote “I ain’t afraid of no ghosts”
ME: *sweating profusely* Yeah why, do any ghosts work here?
ceimr
thats “crime” but in alphabetical order
organized crime
You should not throw stones at glass houses but they never said anything about the home owners.
waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
me: i’d love it
I’m tired, you’re tired, we should probably sleep together.
after you pay a bill, the website is like “would you like to make another payment?” and it’s like? um no dude. no, i don’t want to do that. like sorry do you think we’re buddies? “hang out awhile, maybe pay another bill” no dude. we do NOT have that kinda relationship man sorry
You know that button in the elevator with the fireman´s hat on it.
Turns out that is not the button you press to get a fireman´s hat.
Shoutout to all the bank robbers who aren’t being taken seriously anymore.
I have a splitting headache today.
Voldemort must be back from the dead and attempting to kill me.
A: Black coffee, no cream please.
B: Sadly, we don’t offer cream, sir. May I suggest no milk instead?
guys we are on vacation and my husband keeps striking up conversations with people who don’t speak his language then doesn’t back down, save me
When you say “You’re gonna hate me for this” you’re making an awfully large assumption that I don’t hate you already
Wife: for the last time buy a terrarium
Me: [drops 7 lizards into my shirt] why they already have a home
My husband will prove that he knows all the lines of a movie by saying them before the character in the movie says them, but when I do it while watching a murder documentary it’s creepy.
WebMD says I’m in good
shape so I’m not worried
about a thing.
[two hours into describing a criminal to a police sketch artist]
…But when he took off the mask, he just looked like a normal guy
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.😁
Pulled off my t-shirt too fast and made my glasses disappear. I’m now available for bookings.
There is nothing quite as genuine as hearing from a friend you haven’t seen in forever and finding out she sells Avon now.
Reverse psychology – only it’s me swapping chairs when my therapist went to the bathroom.
[Me as a boxing commentator]
ME: Oh no, they’re fighting again, this is just like last time
how come nobody who hacks celebrities ever does anything funny with it? they just type the n word like that’s comedy gold. You just hacked the CEO of twitter, idiot, you could’ve said something like “I am pleased to announce we are merging with Facebook. More details to follow”
idc who house I’m at, i’m drying my hands on yo decoration towels
I start, but can rarely complete my paintings and sculptures, for I am a master of the partial arts.
Meet coffee….
This was my hot friend I was telling you about.
Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we prefer to call it a background check.
Your honor these allegations are
“My great-grandma went to jail for making moonshine” was probably not the family history topic my son’s teacher expected.
Once when I was on a cruise a lady took an entire pan of bacon to her table. The actual gigantic pan with ALL the bacon. I was so mad but I did have to give a little nod of respect.
I always hear people bragging about weightlifting. In my opinion, if I have to grunt to pick something up, it can just stay where it is.