My favourite machine at the gym is the television.
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I hate when flies rub their disgusting little hands together… what could you possibly be plotting… you can’t even get out of the open window
*eats only grass-fed donuts
I need a bed that pops me out like a toaster.
Doc: So where’d you get your stage name?
Prince Charming: This is my real name
Doc: Right
Grumpy: Sounds legit *rolls eyes*
Prince Charming: You doubt me? I saved your beloved Snow White!
Doc: You made out with an unconscious lady
Prince Charming:
Grumpy: Charming indeed
The Notebook (2004) A stranger harasses a nursing home resident with stories about people she doesn’t know (PG-13 2hr 3min)
My heart 😭
“16 hours and you know what we have not lost one patient today”
THIS ENERGY! ALL DAY EVERY DAY 😭❤
Her name is Angie. She is a frontline Nurse in New York. She is 60 years old working 16 hour shifts at the hospital.
A HERO
KNOW HER NAME!
Please sign my petition to get my husband off the couch
Why does every toy in Toy Story always stop moving when a human is around? Who do they answer to? Who created that rule ? WHO IS THEIR GOD?
Therapist: let go of my collar
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
9: I noticed there is bacon in the fridge
Me: yes
9: you gonna cook it?
Me: yes
9: I love you
Me: I know
I like for my resolutions to be attainable so this year I resolve that I will neither become the pope nor will I become a cannibal.
This dog is a visual representation of my phone distracting me from work
My 3-year-old was supposed to dress up as a star for the Christmas pageant.
She threw a fit and demanded a different costume.
Now there are three wise men and one Power Ranger.
It’s 10:25pm and one of my kids just came downstairs and asked what’s for dinner.
I guess I need to start doing head counts from now on.
[if I acted in real life the way guys do online]
*running up to interrupt 2 guys I don’t know, super out of breath* hey, just wanna let you know that joke you made earlier sucked big time
‘I dunno, maybe just use that image of the girl who’s about to murder her dad’
Keep your friends close and your unattractive enemies closer so you look better by comparison in pictures.
Shall I compare thee to a wooly worm?
Thou art more fuzzy and more ravenous
If I say I love you, don’t read too much into it. I just told this cheesecake that I love it, too.
your stripper name is the first two words you see in a newspaper headline while on the phone with your wife pretending to be an old British woman so you can be her nanny and spend more time with your kids
AISLE 7
– Chips
– Cookies
– Quackers
Superman: Look, Lois! Up in the sky! It’s a bird! *squints* It’s a plane… *puts on glasses* Oh, it’s a plane.
Lois: CLARK?!?
It’s always the Great Wall of China, but I feel bad for all the other walls in China. They’re like
“Hey i’m a pretty good wall too.”
That show “Catfish” should just be called “People Who Have Never Heard of Google.”
For someone who hates the circus, I sure have dated a lot of clowns.
If she calls me cheap one more time I’m gonna return her anniversary gift to 7/11.
There’s only one way we’ll at least occasionally get normal elected officials and that’s if we pick them by random lottery
[first day working in a restaurant]
me: *writes ‘tip jar’ on a glass*
cat: *reads sign*
me: oh no
[one tweet gets 10 likes]
me: ok i gotta be careful now about what i put on my timeline. i have a successful brand to protect.
[inventing eggnog]
Exec: Gag them, but festively.