[80% of bar rescue eps]
TAFFER: this employee stole $150,000 dollars from you, burned your car, and killed your dog. he says he would happily do it again. what are you gonna do?
OWNER:
TAFFER:
OWNER:
TAFFER:
OWNER:
TAFFER: you’re going to fire him
OWNER: I’m going to fire him
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Me: did you throw these rocks in my pool?
3yr old son: nope. Maybe they fell out of a rock tree.
Me: ok.
ME: How was the date?
FRIEND: Uncomfortable. She mentioned that her last boyfriend died repeatedly.
ME: So he’s like a Highlander or something?
ME: My goal is to be king, like my dad.
HER: That’s amazing. Of what country?
ME: It was his goal, Linda. And now it’s mine.
Money doesn’t grow on trees. Your move, multinational agricultural biotechnology corporations.
You know you’re on drugs when you’re talking to your kids about drugs and you don’t have any kids.
Apparently, Indian banks will give you a loan only if you prove that you don’t need it.
Coffee for people with no kids
I want this so bad
a pez dispenser but for teeny tiny eclairs
One of the more important commas I’ve seen in a long time…
FYI – when your pilot says “we’ll be on the ground shortly” fellow travelers don’t appreciate it when you loudly add “one way or another.”
You girls are so cute, talking about crumbs in your bra. I found a missing hiker in mine.
I’m sick of this one horse town
*moves to two horse town*
No, no, this is too much
I just leaped over a 3ft tall dog gate with the skill and grace of an olympian to get a snack from microwave.
*Adds track star to resume*
Apparently in my absence my husband has hung cat-level wall art. So sophisticated 🧐
2019: no carbs
2020: eats a loaf of Wonder Bread out of the bag like it’s popcorn at the movies
everyone make a new friend so you don’t get assigned to David
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
“Dollars to donuts” is my most frequent currency conversion.
The remote does not go next to the TV. That’s the opposite of why you have a remote.
Me: I’m going to be a great doctor one day
My patient: [bleeding out] when
🎵If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my gourds🎵
~ The Pumpkin Spice Girls
why isn’t there a shovelling event in the winter olympics
MORPHEUS: choose the red pill or the blue pill
NEO: which one turns into the coolest dinosaur
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’m into this
Cop: Stand on one leg
Me: *does it*
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards
Me: zyxwvutsrqponmlkjihgfedcba
Cop: Impressive. Walk this line while holding these ice trays filled with water and don’t spill anything
Me: *starts sweating*
Scientists say Spider-Man would not be able to climb vertical surfaces due to his size. It’s almost like someone made the whole thing up.
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
you want me to trust my instincts. the thing that convinced me to dye my hair black that one time
Seriously you guys, the only reason to check Facebook, is to find out where people are going, and then go somewhere else.