I can’t go to jail…
I have serious food allergies!
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Once I was napping & 5yo daughter
dropped her Barbie Car on my face,
she explained it tho, she said
“sorry dad, I thought you were asleep”.
I just watched a 15 year old girl who was busy texting walk into a light post and I am no longer an atheist.
[standing next to the boss at the urinal]
Ok, don’t act weird.“That’s some impressive bladder volume, sir.”
love the HBO account having a prewritten response to “god damn no one can see shit on your show it’s too dark” comments
Pro-Tip: Always remember where you buried the bodies.
Me: How long should I roast asparagus in the oven?
Food Blogger: Wondering how long to roast asparagus? C’mere! I’ve got your answer!
Me: Cool! Thank-
Food Blogger: I was born on a farm in Tennessee. My father was an angry man with 3 fingers on each hand. A war injury…
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
If you can’t take me at my most inappropriate, you don’t deserve me the other 3 days of the year.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Cuz saying ‘pulled me under’ sounds weird??
(painted my 7yr old’s nails)
7: I know you did the best you could, it’s just that, the colors we’re supposed to have an ombré effect.
Me: Oh, an ombré effect. Well, if you’re dissatisfied with the service please feel free to leave a negative review for my non existent nail salon.
run away with me except we’re driving so we’ll mostly sit
god: [looking down at earth] let me see your binoculars for a sec
angel: [perspiring freely] promise you won’t get mad
Me, getting murdered: Those had better not be my fabric scissors, buddy.
If I had to be a dominatrix (not appealing to me) I’d just be like, “Go stand in the corner. Do it!!” then play on my phone for the rest of the session.
Level of high: 7/10
Good morning to everyone except people that eat while leaving you a voicemail.
Even though it means he’s a serial killer, it’s nice when a guy has piercing blue eyes.
Shania Twain: That don’t impress me-
Me: [takes all of my laundry out of the dryer without dropping any of it on the floor]
Shania Twain: oh shit wow
For cardio, I drive before the windshield is defrosted.
Jesus: … when you saw only one set of footprints, that’s when I was carrying you.
Me: What about that spot with lots of footprints?
Jesus: I didn’t want to alarm you, but I did also fight some ninjas who were stalking us.
when your neighbor cuts his grass and suddenly your place looks like a good place to score meth
“Welcome to Fight Club,” said the man with the rock hard abs. I looked around, clutching my kite, becoming worried.
[date]
Date: I thought your Tinder profile said you were a gym owner
Me *eating a hotdog and scanning for Pokemon*: yes that’s correct
oh you hate me? name all of my flaws
Bear of bad news: Hey, sport. You might wanna be sitting down. Ready? Oh god how do I put this? I’m gonna have to maul the shit out of you.
I only need to lose 30 pounds by the end of the year to hit my resolution to lose 20 pounds
Stop screaming. Lots of people rub their eyes with toes.
Peeing in the dark like some kind of pilgrim because you’re at someone else’s house and can’t find the light switch
The bar at our movie theater sells movie-themed drinks.
Imagine my dismay when I found out their Aquaman-themed drink wasn’t a Jason Mimosa.
Therapist: the best revenge is to heal and move on
Me:
Therapist:
Me: are you sure, that doesn’t sound right?