My favourite part of the Bible is the hollowed-out section I keep my drugs in.
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I saw my shadow today. You won’t see that on the evening news because I’m not a stupid fuzzy animal
ME: “Aloe Vera”
VERA: “Aloe”
I blocked her number when we broke up. But I never stopped waiting for her message ever..!
professor x: what’s your power?
jk rowling: i can rewrite the past of fictional characters
gay professor x : interesting
*First Passover*
The Lord: And you shall consume the meat of the lamb this same night, eating it roasted with unleavened bread and bitter herbs
Me: Like a gyro?
The Lord: Not exactly…
Me: HEY EVERYBODY GOD SAYS WE’RE HAVIN GYROS
When my son was 3 he had a Guinea pig named rufus. One day he left the cage open & rufus disappeared. I bought a replacement rufus, never told my son & things were going fine until the original rufus showed up and I had to pretend he was rufus’s cousin, roger from philly.
“I hate hashtags!” Dad screams as he smashes his #1 Dad coffee mug against a wall.
boss: my secretary said you needed to see me urgently.
me confident I’ll get the raise I want because I found out his gamer tag: that’s right punished_gordon.
Google Search:
-is my toaster broken
-can fire ants make toast
-bathtub fire, small
-house fire, how to stop
-is house fire toast a thing?
I wasn’t planning on going for a run, but I had scissors.
How many games did you play already?😅
#chessmeme
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 50,000 signatures.
I took Social Studies for so many years, but I still don’t know how to socialize
The lengths my ex will go to in order to make me jealous are astounding. Like getting married and having a kid. IT’S NOT WORKING, JANET
Either this apartment is haunted or someone has been filling the sink with dishes & leaving notes that say, “You still owe $89 for cable.”
7: can we have an awake-over tonight?
me: an awake-over?
7: it’s like a sleepover but without the sleep
Do emojis hide????
I can’t find an emoji I know is suppose to be there on the keyboard… Where is it?
(meanwhile someone thinks am typing paragraphs yet just looking for the one emoji 🙈)
My mom always has these great sayings for life, like “Don’t count your chickens before they hatch” and “Everybody hates you.”
BREAKING NEWS
Literally to be eliminated from the English language in 2015
Use it while you can, white girls
I found a new way to get my wife to wash the car. When ever it gets dusty I write the following on it:
“I wish my Wife was this Dirty”.
If kidnappers shoved me in a car and put a bag over my head I’d try to lighten the mood by being like It’s getting darker so much earlier these days
I instantly feel horrible when I judge someone, so I stopped.
Now I make rational conclusions based on insightful observations.
When folks hear I’m a therapist they often say, “Hey I should talk to you.” and I’m like, “I thought that’s what we were doing.” Then we laugh and I send them an invoice for 150 dollars.
Leaving kids home alone now: Keep your phone on at all times, text me every 15 minutes, don’t answer the door or look out the window, only eat soft foods that require minimal chewing…
Leaving kids home alone in the 80s: Don’t use the stove.
[trying out my magic tricks for the first time]
*sawing person in half*
Funeral director: *wrestling me away from casket*
I am so proud to be part of a society that needs television commercials to remind us not to lock our kids in hot cars.
Found my cat’s phone, just hundreds of photos of me sleeping. Weird.
Hubs said we should only drink one night a week…. But he didn’t say anything about the day 😜 #sundayfunday
When I was a kid, a girl called me a witch for having green eyes. She’s a hamster now.
I let a Pasta Chef borrow my car and he returned it all denty