My favourite school memory?
Once during sex ed the teacher said ‘some of you won’t ever need to know this’ and everyone turned to look at me
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I’m at my most ninja when the motion sensor sink don’t work.
judge: objection sustained. will counsel please rephrase the question.
me: alright, which *specific* Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle would you make out with and why?
Me: *checking into maternity ward*
Hey, so remember that time when you took the baby so I could sleep?Nurse: Ma’am, this child is seven.
the michael jackson of crabs impressing all his friends by walking smoothly forwards
My can opener broke so now it’s a can’t opener.
I would throw myself under a duvet for you.
Officer: …
Me: I was trying to pamper him!
O: By blow drying his hair?
M: Yes! Like a salon!
O: In the bathtub?!
M: It’s … luxurious
[police lineup]
COP: number three step forward and say the phrase on your card
ME: who says you can’t pull your chair right up to the buffet?
WITNESS: omg yes that’s him, officer
With the amount of hairs falling out of my head daily, it’s amazing I haven’t been implicated in any local crime scenes.
*filling plastic bags with electricity for my Tesla*
My neighbours just submitted a petition that I stop setting traps for stray pigs after I caught my 16th police man today.
Kids just said, “we made a piñata for the cat’s birthday!” and I’m here like we have a cat and it has a birthday?
When, in the future, someone says “remember when we did that thing and had the most amazing time?” and you struggle to remember what year it happened…
One thing you can be sure of is that it didn’t happen in 2020
I hear you like horror movies
You should see me first thing in the morning when I forgot to take my makeup off
*winks forever*
Me: do you think he called himself T.S. Eliot so nobody would notice that T. Eliot is toilet backwards?
Librarian: stop talking
The FBI’s terrorist hotline is not a place to chat with hot terrorists. I know that now.
I’ve yet to find a romantic comedy that speaks to me. Maybe if they set it in an institution or an Arby’s restroom.
Son, your insistence on dismembering all of your siblings is tearing this family apart!
There’s only one good girl here!
This virus would sound a lot cuter if it was referred to as more of a panda-demic.
Me: [cleaning the house for hours…finds the beloved toy my son “lost” and hands it to him]
9 y/o: Dad! Look what I just found!Sir I-
At bath time, my 4-year-old asked if he could use “the other bath.” We only have one, so, filled with curiosity, I grabbed his little hand and asked him to show me. Kid led me to the dishwasher.
HUSBAND: I got the dog heart shaped cookies for Valentine’s Day.
ME: *through a mouthful of cookies* The dog?
Every time I see the headline ‘tragedy on film set’ I think oh god m knight shymalan is making another goddamn movie
I just want someone to miss me the way my 3 year old nephew misses me when I go to the washroom.
The most disappointing sentence in the human language is “This next song is off of our new album”.
Reasons to keep spiders around
1. Eat flying insects
2. Occasional source of protein during sleep
3. We make rad webs
4. They do i mean they
Never let them know your next move 😂
Your date leans in and whispers “I’m not wearing panties.” You shiver. She continues: “I pooped a little and had to throw them away.”