*limbos under the caution tape
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My neighbour said I’m not allowed to feed the baby raccoons living in their shed. I wonder if they’d prefer left over chicken to sandwiches
*goes back in time
*tells 11 year old me to say “I will be taking no questions at this time” when teacher asks me something I don’t know
the eldest child I nanny (she’s 5) has a game where she sits us all in a circle and gives us each a coin with a sticker on one. anyways if we flip our coin and it lands sticker-side-up we have to touch the dead bee she keeps under her bed in a tupperware.
Tomorrow…trade cell phones with your significant other for the day…see how many of you are single by the end of the day…
murderer: i forgot all my murder weapons
me: i’ll wait
[Ouija board starts shaking and screeching]
Me: hold on I gotta take this
Has anyone done the math on “a problem shared is a problem halved.”
[me, trying to join a conversation about Game of Thrones] oh man, there are just so many thrones, I don’t have a favorite really
customer: i would like to buy a hotdog with sauerkraut
me: sorry, we only accept cash
manager: can i talk to you
Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
20s: There are three people? I’m not going to the party
40s: There are three people!! I’m not going to the party
Nothing makes you regret an outfit choice faster than when you see teens looking at you and whispering.
Fortune Cookie:
You will go on a date with a beautiful woman. She could do so much better.
8-year-old: It’s so weird to see a teacher at the store.
Me: Teachers have lives outside of school.
8: Since when?
Best spoiler warning ever
People accuse me of never giving a damn about anyone but myself, but I distinctly remember saying ‘bless you’ when someone sneezed last year
A teenage girl trying to find the right t-shirt, is far more decisive than me in front of 10 different sandwiches
Neighbour said, “Stop using our hot tub while we’re not home!” So I only use it at night while they’re sleeping.
if u disregard the teeth, shark attacks are actually kinda cute
NASA: we’re sending astronauts back to the moon
Me: good, return them to their natural habitat
[lives entire life from beginning to end]
ME: Wow, I hope no one saw that
my brain: eat
me: okay, what should we make
my brain: no make, only eat
me: technically, they’re magma lamps until you crack them open and pour the lamp sauce out, then it becomes lava
doctor: no I meant thoughts about your treatment plan
[creation of spinach]
God: Make it slimy and gross when they cook it, like seaweed. And it should be dark green, and when they eat it, it sticks in their teeth.
Angel: Is everything okay at home?
I don’t shower before work, they don’t deserve my soap.
Tip: if you often say things like “there is no i in team but there *is* one in incompetence” they won’t ask you to mentor new coworkers.
Life would be so much easier if my cat drove.
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet grape was just eaten by his twin sister
HOW TO TRICK A MAN INTO MARRIAGE
her: hey babe they’re serving all you can eat beans at this church
him: see you there
[at the church]
her: I just found out the beans are only for married couples
him: ahh fine
if you have a cat tell them i said pspspsps