My favourite sport is tracking the pizza delivery guy
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I didn’t eat the side of fries bc they were soggy, room temperature and not bringing any joy. So yeah I’m on the Marie Kondo diet now.
Kicked it off with someone at the store, talked about how hard it is to make friends as adults and we both wish it was like when we were kids and you could just ask someone to be your friend, said “well it was nice to meet you!” turned around and drove home
Wow… the headline was intriguing, but the payoff was beyond my wildest expectations
Free advice: Saying “meaty shaft” in a corporate meeting is like saying bomb on an airplane.
it must be school picture day
“No i’m clearly not in a position to be giving you advice right now”
*gets down from doing a headstand*
“Ok, lay it on me”
Ro-Ro-Robocop,
Gently down the stream,
Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily,
Killing bad guys in old Detroit in revenge for his murder.
waiter: *sets down plate* dont touch. it’s hot
me:
waiter:
me: lmao
waiter: lmfao ur gonna touch it huh. is something wrong with u
me: oh definitely
[Alien family passing Earth]
*door lock noise*
just bought $250 worth of there’s nothing to eat
If Jesus was a cat we’d have nine Easters.
BUFFALO: I was only a kid. I showed Dad my report card. He smiled, hugged me and said ‘good bison’. I never saw him agai…oh, ok I see now
People often ask me why I’m single and how surprised they are
Then after speaking to me for 15 mins they say they can understand why I am
Age 15: kids are stupid
Age 25: kids are stupid
Age 35: I love my kids but kids are stupid
Her: I thought you said you were ordering spicy food.
Me, choking on 14 churros: CINNAMON’S A SPICE
[getting out my vuvuzela] anyway here’s wonderwall
Flight Attendant: “Here is the extra blanket you asked for.”
Me: “Thanks. Could you jam it into that guy’s mouth?”
Dogs make everything better, unless you’re making a bed.
*throws all my dirty dishes in the trash*
Me: Alexa, order me new dishes.
Bank account: *shakes head furiously*
Me: sigh. *starts placing dishes in sink*
cutting my arm off BEFORE going hiking so that the 127 hours thing doesn’t happen to me.
I WILL HUNT YOU DOWN AND FIND YOU and cuddle you softly.
People keep telling me I behave like a man so I’m currently working up the courage to tell my husband he’s gay.
do people who back up into parking spots also back up into elevators
mugger: gimme all your cash
me: lmao my what
Did Roberto Martinez just moonwalk out of the job
I’m voting for whichever candidate agrees to lower the price of printer ink.
therapist: so what would you like to talk about this session?
me: lois lane must have been like the shittiest reporter
So maybe downloading the ruler app to measure the snow wasn’t such a great idea
Friend: Would you ever get a tattoo?
Me: Never
Him: You’re afraid to make a permanent mistake.
Me: *looks at my 4 kids* Way ahead of you.
Wife is angry because “somebody” dripped grape jelly onto the dog’s head.
It feels very accusatory.