My favourite way to cut carbs is with a knife.
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When traveling abroad it’s good to learn basic language. “I’d like a beer.” “Where’s the bathroom?” “I need a taxi.” “Just not in my hair.”
For the well-being of our marriage, my wife and I have separate Amazon accounts.
Rock-a-bye-baby is my favorite nursery rhyme about the tragic consequences of putting babies in trees.
Me: Dad, how did you guys manage without WhatsApp and SMS ??
Dad: We used to keep useless information to ourselves.
Me: I can’t believe you read horoscopes, such garbage.
Her: You’re right. When are you shaving again?
Me: Not til after the playoffs..why?
[Office Supply Store]
Me: *getting toner*
Clerk: Sir, please stop those jumping jacks.
Your honor let the records indicate my client was upsexy
Judge: what’s upsexy?
[lawyer whispers to defendant] quick, this is your chance
[trying to get out of date]
ME: Oh sorry, I have a missed call from 911
HIM: That’s not how-
ME: *mouthing* IT’S AN EMERGENCY
KATY PERRY: 🎶 baby you’re a fiiiiirework
KATY PERRY’S DOG: I hate this song
john wicks are toilet candles
Checks for abs
Finds an M&M
Are people adding the nuts to their trucks or has mine been neutered?
me: my girlfriend’s a model
him: oh yeah what kind?
me: papier-mâché
No thanks Ice Bar. If anyone wants to get me inside a freezer they’re gonna have to murder me first.
Eyebrows tangled with the fury of a thousand Scottish grandfathers.
[Garden Of Eden]
Adam: Is this your first time?
Eve: YES ADAM! Literally, everything I do is my “first time”, for the love of God please stop asking.
When people call me a monster I always hope they mean a cute one like Cookie Monster
[Gives husband a list for groceries]
He brings home 1/2 of what’s on the list and someone else’s kid.
Could sum up all Indiana Jones movies with ‘finding old stuff violently.’
For those without heat in Texas, there are warming shelters throughout the state. See map at link below or call 211 for assistance. If you have a medical device that requires power, call 911. Texas twitter, please add additional resources to this thread.
At this point, a nurse could tell me my blood pressure was 700 over clown shoes and I still wouldn’t know if that’s good or bad.
Why are the people on soap operas always CEOs?
Nobody works at Walmart?
In fifth grade, we were supposed to write a story about an antihero but I was only half-listening so I wrote a 6 page story about an ant who helped people quit smoking and my teacher sent me to the school psychologist.
My ex said he would die for me. All I’m saying is, it was his suggestion.
1 yr old Son: [picks up toy basketball and takes three wobbly steps forward].
Wife: omg he just took his first steps!
Me: [visibly upset] yeah but he traveled.
Once in a while I post a subtweet. I hope you’re reading this Susan. I want my Gameboy back. Bitch.
You can’t make me happy, you’re not a bag of chips.
It’s better to clear out your fridge before the leftovers grow green hair, become sentient, and attack the closest major population center.
My kid has Monday off for what school is calling “Family Connection Time.” I’ve had 5 years and 3 summer months of that. Take my kid.
Convinced my kid her harmonica didn’t work because the instructions were missing.