“I love you and I will always keep you safe.”
DAUGHTER: What about bees?
“I love you and I will sometimes keep you safe.”
My favourite way to cut carbs is with a knife.
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Coworker: I need someone in the backfill position
Brain: Do. Not. Say. Anything.
Me: um hopefully you fill the gap soon
Brain: oh dear
I’m doing interval training. It’s just that the intervals are very far apart.
“What’ll you have”
“You want it neat”
*bartender throws some crumbs and hair in my whisky*
Can’t figure out if the neighbour’s baby is fussy or they bought a goat.
14 sent a text asking me to pick her up from school and added “not in your pajamas” so I’m wearing hers because good moms listen
Taking my sunglasses out of 2’s hands while he naps in the car is the closest I will come to diffusing a bomb.
I put my pants on like everyone else. Two man servants holding me in the air while a third man servant wrestles with my flailing legs.
My doctor told me that despite my efforts, I’ll probably live a long life. I’m taking the news pretty hard
The worst part about being single is always doing what I want. Anytime. Anywhere. With whomever. That sucks.