My favourite way to cut carbs is with a knife.
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“Don’t ask.”
Oh. I wasn’t even listening.
I cannot imagine marrying my high school sweetheart, sorry but I’m not growing old with someone who knows what my eyebrows looked like in the early 2000s
If you know, you know 😂🚔
Slugs keep eating my plants so I’ve moved them into the house. If we’re living together they might have second thoughts about eating my plants.
The back half of my duplex apparently has been rented out and they just arrived in two pick up trucks decked out in chamoflague wearing chamoflague. I also might not know how to spell that word.
the gender neutral urge to point out a cow while on a road trip
If you want some alone time, tell your husband that you’re going to watch the Bachelor. Even if you’re not.
Our 8-yr-old son announced that he is moving in with the family down the street because they have a PlayStation.
My wife: “What about us? We’re your family, and we love you.”
Son, enthusiastically: “We can be neighbors.”
I’m not sure if this woman in the Starbucks line ahead of me is ordering a drink or casting a spell.
I’m disgusted every time someone does a gender reveal and it’s a gender I already know about, what kind of reveal is that
In HS I was one of two people on the yearbook commitee & the supervising teacher never showed up so we filled it with stupid jokes/criticism of the administration, & when everyone got their yearbook the school recalled every single copy so they could be burned
“are you sure these x-rays are safe?”
[doctor 12 feet away behind a lead wall] you’re fine
The worst thing about being struck by lightning is knowing you deserved it
That prank where you roll the windows down as you go through a carwash so your friends get soaked isn’t as funny when you do it by yourself
It takes a long time to delete 900 million dollars worth of stuff from an Amazon shopping cart.
Not even a lifetime of watching horror movies will prepare you for the 1st time your baby says “hi” and waves to the empty corner of a room.
“Watch this guy slap himself in the face.” -mosquito
We’re all in this together. Now, make a human shield, peasants.
need him
I would watch a horse race if there were no horses. Just those little jockeys, in their splendid, colorful silk outfits and helmets and goggles running their little hearts out. I can picture it. It’s just too magical. Excuse me. I feel faint.
Hey starbucks I’m not using your made up language give me a medium beanwater
No thanks farting robot on the wall I’ll use the paper towels to dry my hands nice try though
The average life expectancy for a human being is one life.
Anyone else ever wondered how long it would take a giraffe to throw up ?
Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
Me: THE CAKE IS TAKING TOO LONG
Priest: it’s objections to the marriage, specifically
Black magic is just like regular magic, but with bigger wands.
My dentist plays country music, so it’s like a double torture.
Essential oils? You mean WD40?
There is wisdom there.