my favourite word in the dictionary is ratio because it’s under rated
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[father & son looking up at the night sky—observing starlight from millions of yrs ago] son, the most important thing in this world is money
I’m sorry I hurt your feelings. Here’s a bag of frozen peas for any swelling.
I’m curious about the first person who saw an egg drop out of a chicken & said, “I’m going to eat that.”
I’m starting to think some of these Marvel movies might be made up.
using only lowercase letters so everyone knows my stance on capitalism
You can lead a horse to water You can leave your horse behind. Cuz your horse don’t dance n if he don’t dance then he ain’t no horse of mine
My first act as president will be an executive order requiring that all celebrity baby names be reviewed by a panel of sane people.
My tattoos aren’t braille, so do not sneak up to me & begin to feel them.
Unless you’re hot, then you get the secret taste option.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who stepped on the Legos you promised you’d pick up
I can’t stop thinking about how a tanning bed really turns you into the human version of a gas station hot dog.
Just read that the average woman goes on 7 diets in her lifetime and I was like “wtf” because I’ve been on 7 diets since lunch.
twitter is a journey
My smart friend just told a story about Scott and Zelda Fitzgerald and I nodded the whole time, thinking to myself “Yes, I recognize both of those names.”
The first clue I had taken the “eyes on the back of my head” thing too far was when the teacher asked why my kid thinks I’m an alien
Woke up to my 8 year old daughter in bed instead of my wife and for a split second, I thought my wife got Benjamin Button-ed.
Job interview:
“what would you say is your biggest achievement is to date”“I once wore a hat to bed and it was still on in the morning”
My work day –
8:00-11:30 – wonder what I’ll eat for lunch today
11:30 – 12:00 – eat lunch
12:00 – 4:30 – Damn lunch was good.
Walmart’s hair salon doesn’t charge extra to cut a live bat out of your hair.
My boyfriend calls me “babe” because “pig in the city” is such a mouthful to say.
The reason I don’t like costume parties is the bit two hours in when you’re listening to your friend talking about her mum’s dementia and you’re dressed as Mario.
[Son’s 1st day of school]
Me: Did you make any friends today?
Son: Yes!
Me: *kneels down next to him* how do you do that?
I think whoever invented horseradish knew exactly what those two things tasted like together
*Salt-Free Chocolate Covered Potato Chips*
My Wife… The Bargain Hunter
I seduce the ladies with my encyclopedic knowledge of dung beetle larvae.
sweetie, something about you tonight is driving me wild
Saw a video for vegan cauliflower icecream on fb and heard the four horsemen of the apocalypse thunder overhead.
I don’t care if it’s red balloons, problems, or bottles of beer on the wall.
If you’ve got 99 of anything, I’m scheduling an intervention
*rolls up sleeves*
*gets high on sleeves*
Stop.
The term minivan implies the existence of a more spacious yet less practical mega van