my favouritest X’s, ranked:
9. _traterrestrial
8. _marks the spot
7. _ray specs
6. _chromosome
5. generation_
4. _tasy
3. _tra large portion of fries
2. _rated
1. _wife
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i asked my 4 yr old niece if she wanted a baby brother or sister and she replied she just wanted pizza rolls
I’ve got moves like Jagger, too…
…so far all it’s gotten me is unnecessary medical attention.
[2054: We develop cheap cloning technology]
[2055: Restaurant opens where you can have clones of yourself serve cooked clones of yourself]
Date: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
Me: *now crying*
Date: there you are
[first day as lawyer]
me: obj—
judge: —shut up noob
[playing trivia]
me: what year did rambo come out?
my wife: *gasp* rambo’s gay??
Venn
“If your father asks you to pick up 5 large bags of ice, the best place to put them is in the backyard in direct sun”
~My son apparently
[buys plastic lightsabers for the kids]
5-year-old daughter: Mine is broken.
Me: What’s wrong with it?
5: It doesn’t even cut off arms.
I want what any normal girl wants in life… A great job, a loving husband and to be the wallpaper on thousands of iPhones.
Today I opened the door to the supply room and four Japanese guys jumped out and yelled “supplies!”
“you are strong. you are smart,” i whisper to myself as i struggle to figure out whether to push or pull on a door
Unsuspecting male: So what kind of restaurants do you like?
Me: Open ones.
I found toothpaste on my comb, door and pet tortoise and now I’m reconsidering teaching my child about good oral hygiene.
one time I was standing on the train platform with my airpods in and a guy taps me so I take one out and he goes “I just wanted to let you know i’m not trying to k*ll myself, I’m just jumping down to grab my hat” and jumped onto the tracks
Lame! I was tricked into watching PS, I Love You! It’s definitely NOT about a guy that marries his PlayStation.
“When god closes a door, he opens a window”
Murder Hornets: Awesome!
Miss Pissy Face and Mr Crabby Pants in HR told me I am not allowed to make up nicknames for my co-workers anymore.
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
Husband “I thought you were dieting?”
Me “I am”
Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”
Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See – Dieting”
microwave: would you like your food too hot or too cold
me: what if you cooked it just right
microwave: wHaT iF You COoKeD it JuST RiGht lmao ok goldilocks
just got mad and flipped a table but it spun all the way around in landed right side up. everyone in Applebee’s is clapping
I met my wife while on holiday. Which was awkward, as I’d told her I was going to a funeral.
*takes 5 more shots*
liver: wyd
brain: wyd
stomach: wyd
me to an ex: wyd
I walked into a gas station & a woman handed me a free slice of pizza
Either Iowa is the nicest state in America or I’ve just been poisoned
*94K tweets later* I’m really a very private person
Perfect
Who called it a muzzle and not a hush puppy?