Only when you have finished cleaning the entire kitchen, will a teenager appear from the basement with a weeks worth of dishes.
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Carl: Gonna be a hot one today.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: Male ostriches can roar like lions.
Me: Fair enough, Carl.
I don’t like to brag, but we just threw my 5-year-old a birthday party and nobody cried.
ME: cheese omelette
WAITER: chicken or Cadbury Creme eggs
ME: hmmm… you know what, surprise me
The stages of giving my dog a new stuffy:
1) oh my god for me?!
2) this is the best day ever
3) this house is full of thieves trust no one
The most unrealistic element of Jurassic Park is the part where an American theme parks investors become concerned after a single worker is killed
Just saw someone refer to a cat as a spicy dog…this is the only way now.
He was a satyr boy
She said see you later boy
He wasn’t goat enough for her
This bloke knocked on my door and asked me if I’ve considered an alternative energy supplier.
I said, ‘No thanks, I’m quite happy with food.’
Fun prank: Tweet “Brb gonna pet the tigers in the zoo” and then don’t tweet for nine years.
Kid: “ my dad says you spy on people… “
Mark Zuckerberg: “ he’s not your dad”
girl in novel: hi my older brother who is 17 years old and popular, do you want breakfast ?
her brother: yes, remember when mom died when you were 4 and our dad is an alcoholic ?
You can even hide a dead body in Terms & Conditions, No one will ever know.
A drum solo but on your face.
Broke my New Year’s resolution to exorcise more and now there are poltergeists and demons all over my house.
[walks into aquarium]
me: hi can I just use your bathroom?
employee: sorry it’s for patrons only
me: ok fine I’ll take four sharks
Ladies, if he:
– is hairy
– has trouble communicating
– is 1′ 4″
– wears a deerstalker hat
– solves mysteriesHe’s not your man. He’s Detective Pikachu.
My boss yelled at me for napping at work, even though I had a clearly posted “do not disturb” sign.
[jail]
ME: I want my phone call
COP: Ok. Make it count
ME: [dials payphone]
[cop’s mobile rings]
COP: Hello?
ME: Please let me go
My baby bump popped this week, and I’m still waiting for the maternity clothes I ordered to arrive. If you see me walking around looking like Winnie the Pooh, just mind ya business.
STOP FLIRTING WITH YOUR UNCLE AT YOUR WEDDING WITH YOUR COUSIN #HouseOfTheDragon
Restaurant chain commercials should run the disclaimer “Actual food might not tumble and splash in slow motion”.
Don’t mess with me; I’ll throw a semicolon in just to discombobulate you.
Son: What are caterpillars afraid of?
Me: It’s unlikely that they experience fear. They’re not self-aware, so…
Son: [sadly] Dogerpillars.
My 5yo would like to wish you all a Happy Balance Time Day
BARTENDER: how do you take it?
ME: personally
‘Mr lover lover mmmhm Mr lover lover, she call me Mr Boombastic, say me fantastic, touch me on the back, she say I’m Mr Ro.. mantic..’
Judge: *sigh* Again, please just state your first and last name for the court or you’re going to jail.
Good morning.