my feed is like:
ANIMAL CROSSING
eat the billionaires
we are all doomed
ANIMAL CROSSING
gummy bears singing ‘Someone Like You’
ANIMAL CROSSING
we are gonna die
ANIMAL CROSSING
*sharpening guillotines*
ANIMAL CROSSING
ANIMAL CROSSING
SOCIALISM NOW
ANIMAL CROSSING
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Every morning I have to check my shoes for scorpions. We don’t have scorpions in Illinois people just hate me.
Is there a term for when you unlock your car but you get caught talking to a coworker in the parking lot and the car re-locks itself before you open the door but when you park at home and forget to lock it it stays unlocked?
I don’t wear sunglasses because it’s unfair that a photon travels 93 million miles and then when it’s an inch from my eye I’m all “um, no.”
“My parents are supporting my blue check for the first few years of marriage but then gonna start paying myself.”
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
Onion rings.
I pick up the onion. “Hello?”
I start crying. “Bad news?” she asks, as I hang up.
“No, babe. It’s an onion.”
Stop giving me life advice, people who don’t know how crocodiles have sex.
My birth control is my 5yo running around in circles at 5am screaming “I have so much energy! I have so much energy! I have so much energy!”
every time you say the word “turnt” a baby gets run over by a smart car
I call people weirdos a lot for someone who can’t leave their house without checking the stove 3x even If I haven’t cooked on it since 2009.
Drink like a fish and you’ll never feel like a fish out of water socially. You might look like one but you’ll never feel like one…
Instagram: “Look at my sushi!”
Vine: “Look at my sushi for six seconds!”
I like to cook for a man when I first start dating him.
That way he’ll be disappointed from the start.
Not just when he sees me naked.
Dating tip:
If she says she’s into beards, don’t compliment hers.
*on the phone*
Me: I’d like to order a 12″ cheese steak.
Him: Sure. That’ll be $13.39.
M: How long will it be?
H: Uhh, a foot?
M: …
Friend: I wish this candy bar had less calories.
Me: Let me see it…
*eats half and hands it back*
…wish granted.
God: [creating Guy Feiri, but runs out of human heads] “A pineapple it is then.”
ME: I think it’s time I get my life in order.
MORGAN FREEMAN: But he would not get his life in order. In fact, he got drunk that night and fought a raccoon.
ME: Cant sleep. Theres too much going on in the world
MY WIFE: Whats bothering u?
ME: If Garfield didnt have a job, why did he hate Mondays?
Her: pull my hair!
Edward Scissorhands: oops
Her: why oops?
“Rolls Royce” is my favorite car that sounds like an Australian describing a sushi chef
DoorDash is great if you like having a sandwich and also 13 emails
the most important thing i learned from kermit the frog is that you can have a pretty good life without ever putting on pants
Cat.
Whenever I’m ordering takeout they ask if I need three sets of utensils and the answer is always obviously yes
HOT LOCAL SINGLES WANT TO MEET YOU SO THEIR FELONIOUS BOYFRIENDS CAN STEAL YOUR I-PHONE
Both my kids are denying ownership of an iPhone charger that they usually fight over. Makes me wonder what crime scene evidence is on it.
[interview to be a spy]
interviewer: so tell me why you’re hereme: no
interviewer: very good
if you think about all the people you didn’t marry, you’ve had a positive impact on virtually every life in the world
peeping toms