“My fellow Americans-”
Barack
“we are working tirelessly-”
Sir
“to make sure-”
Barack. You’re still wearing ur xbox headset
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Me: Dishwasher’s broken.
16: I’m sorry.
Me: Did you break it?
16: No, I meant, like, “I’m sorry for your loss.”
Open casket funeral? Remains to be seen.
Lmao
*using intercom*
WHAT DO YOU MEAN THERE’S NO POTLUCK?!funeral director- shh this is a funeral!!
*using intercom*
I whisper – “what do you mean there’s no potluck?”
Colonel Sanders started KFC when he was 65 years old. Which just goes to show… You’re never too old to cook chicken
“1 down, 98 to go!”- Jay-Z after cleaning the gutters
there’s no law that your resolutions need to be positive; you can resolve to become a lot worse
Conspiracy theory: If they really want to catch Big Foot, why don’t they look at the factory where Christmas stockings are made?
I can’t grab a drink with you after work. I am limiting my liquids since I am wearing a jumpsuit
I’m gonna be so pissed if I die in the middle of an argument I’m about to win.
I’m not saying I’m the best husband, but I did perfectly time placing my dirty dish in the sink just as my wife was finishing up washing the dishes.
[dollar store]
Me: I would like 700 dollars, please
just got mad and flipped a table but it spun all the way around in landed right side up. everyone in Applebee’s is clapping
I’ve never watched paint dry but I did watch Windows update for 5 years.
she’s already got guys telling her she’s beautiful. be different. send her a cheese board.
Me: Table for 1.
Host: Just 1?
Me: Yes. Can you enunciate “just” a little harder?
My son rolls his eyes when I use his lingo and that’s why I continue to do so.
Husband: I’d rather sleep in the guest room than suffer another night on your new heated mattress pad.
Me: Wait. I’m getting my own room???
Who called them dentures and not substitooths?
*pulls a tiny monocle out of a jar of peanut butter*
OH GOD WHY
My kid in a house made of snacks, lying on a bed made of snacks, wearing clothes made of snacks, while eating a snack: “Can I have a snack?”
“Come on now, I’m sure that Megatron isn’t such a bad guy when you get to know him…” – Optimist Prime.
Instructor: “Welcome to salsa class! Who’s ready to learn how to dance?”
Me, hiding tortilla chips bag: “There’s been a misunderstanding.”
Her: Look, I made a huge mistake hooking up with you, OK? I love my boyfriend.
Me: Yea, I could really sense that when you were taking my belt off with your teeth…
Make sure your blind date from the internet has a big car. Nothing worse than a trunk with no leg room.
“Sure Chief, you can join us for dinner this year. But in the future, you’re gonna need reservations.”
-Pilgrims, at the first Thanksgiving
i made a promise to myself that if i ever get an island the first thing that i will do is put some dinosaurs on it.
Me: Did you look in your purse?
Her: OF COURSE I LOOKED IN MY PURSE, I’M NOT AN IDIOT!
Me:
Her: [looking in purse] You’re not going to believe this…
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
We need a “your body is changing” talk for people turning 40.