Are you dating a bunch of bees?
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Me: You’re getting so tall!
Child: I don’t really like that because it means I’m getting older and when you’re older you’re closer to dying.
Me: …Oh.
Child: Sorry, I won’t talk about that. It might scare you.
Me:
Child: Because you’re already so old and close to dying.
Overheard in a coffee shop: “A rat I follow on Instagram just had a stroke.” Struggling to process.
support small businesses like a mouse selling tiny umbrellas or even a bee selling tiny umbrellas
“And why did you join our gym?”
▫️to stay healthy
▫️a friend recommended it
☑️I’ve seen myself naked
baseball but the field is boobytrapped with hidden trampolines
7-year-old: *telling me the rules of a game she made up* The goalies get swords.
Me: I am so in.
5yo after licking my face: “Sorry. My mouth meant to kiss you but my brain told me to lick you.”
[bed]
M: “I’m freezing.”
H: *rolls over, adjusts pillows and blankets, wraps around me*
[1 min later]
M: “I’m hot, get off me.”
Since I had to google “exercise” to make sure I spelled it right, I think it’s safe to say I have no idea what to do at the gym.
How and why my FUR ROOM exists
You, a basic, typical hacker: Steals credit cards and identities
Me, a diabolical hacker: Syncs your Twitter account to your phone contacts and unblocks your family’s accounts
I want to know what the cat was doing that made the animal control officer be like, you know what, I think this cat just destroyed an 8-ball.
sometimes i don’t spot my typos until it’s toilet
I’ve been sleeping w my laundry for like 4 days
We are dating
me: I’m quitting, here’s my badge and gun
zookeeper: your what
[Lois & Superman’s first date]
Superman: You look beautiful, Loren.
Lois: What? Who’s Loren?!
*Superman flies around the earth and reverses time*
Superman: You look beautiful, Lois.
Oh sweet, I was wondering how every corporation I’ve ever given my email to was handling COVID-19.
I want to re-home a dog. Small terrier, tends to bark a lot. If interested let me know and I’ll jump over next door’s fence and get her
I have a hard time telling the difference between 21 Dragons and Imagine Pilots.
I feel like before a bee stings a human, all his dumb bee friends are like “you can totally take him.”
Once a guy came to our door with an educational book-selling MLM. He tried to get my husband by asking “do you even know why a flamingo is pink?” And I guess the guy hadn’t anticipated running into a man raised on zoboomafoo because he walked away defeated.
V-Day Single: “I am missing out on so much joy.”
V-Day, Dating: *stresses out over finding the perfect gift*
V-Day Married: “We should probably, like, go out or something.”
V-Day Married w/ Kids: “You need how many valentines? For people who can’t even read yet? By when?”
[first date]
Me looking confused: “well you had cartoon bunny ears in your profile picture!”
[laying on top of me]
4: I love you mommy; you’re my couch.
Grandma just made me go across the street to pay the neighbor kid because she forgot to pay him to shovel her driveway….35 YEARS AGO. The man is now in his mid to late 40s.
Me: It’s time to eat healthier and get in shape!
Also me: Excited my ice cream maker will be here in 2 days with Amazon Prime!
god: stop doing bad stuff
me: hear me out, what if i keep doing it but i feel bad after
god: that’s not the same
me: sorry ur breaking up
imagine if bumblebees made full-volume harley davidson noises. this is the only thing that could possibly improve them
(meeting for naming cereal)
“List the ingredients; maybe we’ll get inspired.”“Honey, bunches of oats–”
“I think we’re done here.”
2020: The Year In Review
Everyone: No