My fiancee knows that I would kill for her, and it’s really annoying that she hasn’t asked me to yet.
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“One box of murder hornets, please. And yes, it’s a gift.”
Stop undressing me with your eyes!!
Use your teeth.
Me: my Husband always wanted a Viking funeral
Friend: but weren’t you supposed to wait until he died to shoot him with a flaming arrow?
Me: ugh, that’s what the jury said too.
Guard: visiting hours are up.
The best way to prepare for Motherhood is to put Dora on TV for 9 months, set your alarm for every 45 minutes and throw food on your floors.
I used to tell a joke about Lot’s wife. Looking back, it wasn’t a great idea.
“Is there a Mrs. Prime?” — EVERY GIRL TRANSFORMER EVER, I MEAN LOOK AT HIM
8: I’m gonna marry someone who likes a different cereal than I do, so he won’t eat all my favorite cereal.
Me: Sounds pretty legit.
Here’s this year’s kid-friendly Halloween joke:
Why didn’t the skeleton cross the road?
Because he didn’t have the guts!
Happy Halloween 🎃
If your smol dog fren beelines for me, running across your yard, do not yell for him. If this is how I die, mauled by a floof, so be it.
therapist: what’s your greatest fear
me: randomly going blind
therapist: i see
me: but for how long?
They say a lot of people put their birth year in their email address. In other news, there are a lot of men born in ’69.
In the spirit of ‘Cancel Culture’ so to speak, can we just go ahead and cancel the middle school dioramas????
Im out of cotton balls. 😒
Text:
OMG! I can’t believe you tweet such
vile, offensive, filthy, sick things.
You should be removed from society.
GET HELP!Love Mom XO
PROPOSAL: Rebrand shootings as “late-term abortion.” Watch the GOP scramble to stop them.
[doctor’s office]
Nurse: Can you step on the scale?
Me: Of course.
Nurse: (waiting)
Me: You mean now? Oh hell no!
I hate it when I’m by the window and make eye contact with someone outside, so I understand why this lady is shocked to see me up a tree.
*Bricks getting laid*
Brick Layer: “Oh yeah! You like that shit don’t you!”
caller: listen carefully–we have a hidden camera in your hotel room. you need to…
me: pay you money? smuggle drugs???
caller: cover it up. and would a little cardio kill you?
Fell down the stairs and my 5yo complained, that it was so loud. I told him, i would fall more quietly next time and he looked at me like i was very stupid and said”Just don’t fall at all!” I was glad that he provided this solution!
valentines day should involve piñatas so single people can vent and still get candy lmao
Someone just asked me to fax them my email address. Careful driving folks, these people walk amongst us…
ME: hey boss it looks like I bit off a little more than I could chew
MORTICIAN: you’re so fired
Sometimes I have hope for future generations, but then I watch a high school student pick a booger on a Zoom call.
Don’t snitch tag.
Sorry dinner is so late, honey. I accidentally bought individually wrapped rice again.
Autocorrect changed cute dimple to cute pimple and now he won’t reply to my messages.
[At bar]
BARTENDER: I dont think she wants to talk man
ME: [dabbing on pickle juice as cologne] I think I know what the ladies want pal
Desperation
-Fragrance by Social Media
I can’t be the only one that sees the day when
a direct message from a catfish is called carp DM.
My father always told me “You can accomplish anything you set your mind to.” I must have set my mind to calories.