My fighting style is best known as grabbing the last slice of pizza and running away.

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ME: eat your veggies so you grow up big and strong

SON: *looks me up and down* you didn’t eat your veggies, did you

ME: *under breath* damn, son


I made my preteen wear long pants in freezing weather this morning and subsequently ruined his “street cred”


[1st day as a Transformer]

GAS STATION ATTENDEE: And your total comes to $43,789.95

ME: (becomes a Decepticon)


Terrify your parents by answering your cellphone.


If your new boyfriend carved your initials into a tree on your first date, let the fact he brought a knife be a sign of things to come.


Our son came home one day with
a note from his first grade teacher:

Your son bit another boy today.
Is he getting enough to eat at home ?


[shark tank]
ME: it’s a belt with a clock on it
SHARK: this is a waste of time
ME: *waist


Me with a black eye: You should see the other guy – he looks amazing. I think he moisturizes.


Them: What’d you scrape your chin on?

Me: A chiseled jawline with a 5-o’clock shadow.


dave is coming over
“normal dave or dave whos alwayes doing impressions of evrybody we know”
[from outside] hi guyes, its normal dave