“I hate it when people pretentiously drop French words and phrases into conversations” I said to my fiancé, a propos of nothing, while en route to a café to enjoy hors d’oeuvre and an apéritif.
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[sees a squirrel walking, not running, out of a cemetery] sweet jesus this is how it begins
*holds pen ready*
“How many zeros in one million?”
“Six”
“Ok, thanks”
*writes milli000000n*
Hey, we never talked in high school!
Let’s be Facebook friends so we can once again never talk!
JUST LIKE OLD TIMES!
I want to know where my horoscope got the outlandish confidence to say “Don’t worry about any dreams you have today, dreams don’t mean anything”
The only thing I know about Downton Abbey is that everyone looks as if they smell like the bottom of my Nana’s purse.
Husband: Are we going to start eating healthier?
Me: Absolutely!
Husband: So burgers and fries for dinner tonight?
Me: Absolutely!
On date night my wife took me to a place where you make your own pottery. I made an urn.
I’m 53 years old unless I’m driving at night in the rain. Then I’m 107.
The printer is only printing blank pages, and it’s like it can read my mind.
When you’re a twin and you gotta give someone a gift on your own birthday.
My husband thinks it’s embarrassing when I sing to my tomato plants when the neighbors are outside. But I think it’s embarrassing he doesn’t.
I had two students lose teeth yesterday and this morning they excitedly told me how much money the tooth fairy left. One got $10, the other $20. I may start pulling my own teeth out soon.
“you changed” bro i was 15
Castro: I will not die until America is destroyed
Trump: I’m gonna be the president
Castro: well then
The chicken mask stays on during chicken shopping
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant I tell the people coming in “I recommend the squirrel”.
Car salesmen: Good evening
Me: TAKE IT EASY PAL I’M JUST LOOKING AROUND
How do u make a Pirate angry?
Take the P out of him.
me: most dust is human skin flakes therefore roombas are carnivorous robots and one day the dust won’t satiate them anymore so they will rise up and devour us all
therapist: can we go back to discussing your childhood
me: one sec
[boss finds pics of me snowboarding]
“You missed work bc you said you were sick…& judging from these pics, YOU WERENT LYING”
*fist bump*
My girlfriend says she wants a fairy tale wedding. Anyone know where I can get hold of a bear costume and 50lbs of porridge?
4th of July Pro Tip: If you’re looking for quality, never buy fireworks from a guy with more than seven fingers.
#Itssocoldthat..A streaker froze in mid-streak! The town council just stuck a plaque on him and pretended he was a Greek statue until spring
[vet school]
ME: Welcome, students. Hope you brought textbooks because-
[spins cat on finger like basketball]
-I have no idea what I’m doing
Honest job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I put a lot of effort into looking like I know what I’m doing”
My kids at 7am: What’s for breakfast? Can I play Xbox? What are we doing today? What’s blue plus blue make?
Me:
*holding a toilet plunger at 7am* Oh I don’t know. How do you THINK today is going?
Things were going well with my date, until she noticed my Roomba was a Frisbee glued to a bunch of rats
Please continue finishing your text in the crosswalk, Mr. Pedestrian. It’s not like I’m driving a giant metal instrument of death.