@DagFizz

My finances would be a lot better if ATMs would ask me what I need the money for and then look at me disapprovingly before giving me half.

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@Skoog

me, as a zookeeper: i’m late for my sister’s wedding and i have a stain on my tux

penguin: [makes whatever noise a penguin makes]

me: no braden, thanks for the offer but we’re not the same size

@Amiigat

The fact that there is even such a thing as ugly hookers tells you pretty much all you need to know about men…

@Ygrene

[when someone likes me]

*eyes narrow* but I don’t even like me

@Sassafrantz

[male bank teller gives my niece a sucker]
Me: What do you say?
Niece: My aunt’s single, do you have money?
Me: lol how embarrassing! Do u?

@Sanbel11

*goes shopping without makeup and a hair in the messy bun*

“Hi everybody I ever met since 1999”

@FBSisnothere

You know you have something special w someone when u start finishing their sentences. But enough about me & my local Subway sandwich artist

@GavinProbably

Facebook-

You: Going to a concert tonight!

Friend: Sweet, what concert?

Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO

@AJslackie

Feed me once shame on you, Feed me twice i’m moving in.