me, as a zookeeper: i’m late for my sister’s wedding and i have a stain on my tux
penguin: [makes whatever noise a penguin makes]
me: no braden, thanks for the offer but we’re not the same size
My finances would be a lot better if ATMs would ask me what I need the money for and then look at me disapprovingly before giving me half.
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The fact that there is even such a thing as ugly hookers tells you pretty much all you need to know about men…
[when someone likes me]
*eyes narrow* but I don’t even like me
[male bank teller gives my niece a sucker]
Me: What do you say?
Niece: My aunt’s single, do you have money?
Me: lol how embarrassing! Do u?
*goes shopping without makeup and a hair in the messy bun*
“Hi everybody I ever met since 1999”
You know you have something special w someone when u start finishing their sentences. But enough about me & my local Subway sandwich artist
Me: I’m so fat…
Him: *rolls eyes*
Me: *rolls fat*
Jurassic Park, but all of the raptors are played by Jim Carrey.
You: Going to a concert tonight!
Friend: Sweet, what concert?
Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO
Feed me once shame on you, Feed me twice i’m moving in.