@DagFizz

My finances would be a lot better if ATMs would ask me what I need the money for and then look at me disapprovingly before giving me half.

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@kimtopher22

I just got belted in my face by a rogue piece of carrot that fell out of my sports bra while doing downward facing dog.

@DaveTheAlbino

I always wanted to be just like Flo Rida. That’s why I changed my name to “New Ham Sure”

@motorace177

I’m looking for a girlfriend that likes me for my money, but is really bad at math…

@kevnasto

According to my autocorrect, i’m wearing edible pantries

@mjkspeaks

a contractor is just a regular tractor that rips people off

@gruffybeard

Me: You’re clingy & adorable. Like a koala.

Her: I’m amazed you can spell koala.

Me: *deletes ‘how to spell coalla’ from browser history*

@imskytrash

what the signs deserve in 2019:

Aries: peace
Taurus: rest
Gemini: happiness
Cancer: love
Leo: okay now
Virgo: that they’ve
Libra: stopped reading
Scorpio: i think
Sagittarius: animal crossing
Capricorn: for switch
Aquarius: might have
Pisces: pigeons as townspeople

@bingowings14

Cop: There’s been another break in at the bakery.
Swan: I wouldn’t know anything about it.
Cop: *hands him a bread roll*
Swan: Word at the pond is that ducks did it, but you didn’t hear it from me.

@WheelTod

[business meeting at restaurant]
“There’s more than one way to skin a cat”
[Family of cats at next table]
*mom cat puts paw on cat dad’s arm