My finances would be a lot better if ATMs would ask me what I need the money for and then look at me disapprovingly before giving me half.
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All my evil plans start with someone slipping on a meticulously placed banana peel.
My family keeps throwing sweaters in the laundry basket like we wash those.
[INTERVIEW]
HR: What are your strengths?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
HR: Wow-Weaknesses?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
Googling “Can computer problems be caused by too many boogers in the keyboard?”
Batman Begins Crossdressing #AddAWordRuinAMovie
Mama? Is this true?!
#FewThingsAreMorePainfulThan
My goal is to have this whole hand washing thing mastered before they decide to remove the instructions.
Be the change you’re looking for
between the couch cushions.
Unless there’s a picture of you getting attacked by a shark, I don’t want to see your vacation pictures.
How to Be Good At Twitter
1. don’t be
2. don’t have that be your goal
3. aim higher
4. seriously, go outside or something
I taught my daughter to whistle a few days ago and now I’m teaching her that whistling can lead to adoption.
Wife: he’s always confusing sayings…
Therapist: what if you’re just misinterpreting him?
Me: oooh, check you out playing devil’s avocado
If I was stranded on a snowy mountaintop with friends and had to resort to cannibalism, the most horrific part would be not having ketchup.
I bought a CD today.
Now I’m waiting for my carriage to take me home, because I have laundry to do at the river and butter to churn.
Me: some mornings I see myself in the mirror and think what am I even getting ready for
Therapist: sorry, can you pull the toothbrush out of your beard
[At bar]
BARTENDER: I dont think she wants to talk man
ME: [dabbing on pickle juice as cologne] I think I know what the ladies want pal
HAPPY NEW YEAR!
My resolutions are:
1) Stop making any lists.
B) Be more stable.
7) Learn to count.
Me: Hello darkness, my old friend.
Darkness: New phone, who dis?
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me, sweating: You finally found out I took my third grade teacher’s eraser without permission?
Cop:
Me:
Cop: Speeding
Me: Oh phew!
Why is it called taking a shit and not de-deucing?
Wow, the Fire Marshall really has no sense of humor these days.
The best trick to ordering pizza is asking them not to cut it. By law, they can only charge you for one slice.
Note to future self:
Tequila is a liar.
You do not sound exactly like Axl Rose & the people at karaoke will not catch you if you stage dive
Why are people upset about the Starbucks cup and not the fact that they are paying $7 for coffee?
fiance: “just pretend to be religious for 10 minutes and he’ll agree to marry us”
me: “okay”
[at church]
priest: “it’s nice to meet you both”
me: [seeing crucifixion statue on wall] “jesus what happened to this guy?”
[first day in hell]
hostess: welcome to hell. please take a seat
waiter: *pouring wine* your steak will be out shortly, sir
me: wow this isn’t so bad
group of waiters approaching in distance: happpppy bir-
*forgets to bring grocery list to the store*
I can handle this…
*comes home with cheese and bath salts*
Nailed it.
Pancake in Spanish is panqueque, which translates back into English as *does raise the roof motion* bread whaaaat whaaaat
Eating a banana.
Thought I should tell you. Twitter seems concerned about women getting enough potassium.But… why can’t I use my teeth?
No matter how bad a day I’m having at work at least there’s no point during which I have to run 1 mile for a grade right after eating then change back into my clothes and resume work.