@4SLars

My financial advisor recommended I join a doomsday cult.

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@WhatsAGreenhorn

Me: Hi, I’d like to make an appointment for a bath.
Petsmart employee: Sure, what’s your dog’s name?
Me: Dog?

@daddydoubts

My 3yo just reminded ME to wash my hands after we got home so if anything good were to come out of this pandemic it’s that we’re raising a less gross genera- ope never mind he just ate a booger

@TheWidowmakerX

“You have $400. Your boyfriend texts and says he needs $200 and your ex texts and says he needs $100. How much you have left?”

Me: $400 and 2 unread messages

@realHamOnWry

Taylor Swift and Calvin Harris called it quits. But I am looking forward to her next album devoted to the break-up called ‘Calvin and Sobs’.

@AudreyPorne

I knew a girl who was sexually attracted to Hitler and when I unfriended her she messaged me and said “it’s cause I’m attracted to Hitler, isn’t it?” nooo, it’s cause you’re a Gemini. OF COURSE IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE ATTRACTED TO HITLER, BECKY!!!!!!

@Parentpains

After placing me in charge of training new employees I can’t help but question my companies’ commitment to success.

@batkaren

“Would you rather eat a pound of bricks or a matter baby?” he asks.

“What’s a matter baby?” I ask.

I’m shown a newborn so dense the fabric of space-time sags in a deep gravity well; objects within the event horizon are drawn inextricably to it.

“Uhhhhhh… The bricks, I guess?”

@ryan9billion

I liked watching squirrel soap operas unfold in my backyard right up until the damn neighbor cat murdered all the actors.