@4SLars

My financial advisor recommended I join a doomsday cult.

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@JohnLyonTweets

[showing new guy around office]

Me: Watch out for that guy, he has a short fuse, haha.

New guy: He said the same about you, haha.

Me: *throws coffee mug at wall* HE NEEDS TO SHUT HIS STUPID MOUTH!

@robfee

The Santa Clause (1994) A man gains a ton of weight after murdering a stranger on his roof

@gregreckons

Her: How do you like your eggs?

Me: Wrapped in foil by Cadbury.

@jergarl

Jocelyn from Facebook will unfriend you if you give her a Blockbuster gift card for her stupid baby shower.

I know that now.

@ingmarbirdman

If you’re literally asking me to choose between our relationship and my obsession with pointing out doors to people, well, there’s the door.

@_Water_Baby

When you are having a new mattress installed, remember to hide your “toys” BEFORE the movers arrive.

@GetCougarized

Customer spelling her name:

Me: Is that V as in Victor or Z as in Zebra?
Her: Z as in Xylophone.

And this, kids, is why education is key.

@MarfSalvador

[After sitting for a portrait for 18 hours] Where’s the artist?