[showing new guy around office]
Me: Watch out for that guy, he has a short fuse, haha.
New guy: He said the same about you, haha.
Me: *throws coffee mug at wall* HE NEEDS TO SHUT HIS STUPID MOUTH!
My financial advisor recommended I join a doomsday cult.
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“DAAAAAAAD!! LOKI KEEPS STEALING MY THUNDER!!”
The Santa Clause (1994) A man gains a ton of weight after murdering a stranger on his roof
Her: How do you like your eggs?
Me: Wrapped in foil by Cadbury.
Jocelyn from Facebook will unfriend you if you give her a Blockbuster gift card for her stupid baby shower.
I know that now.
If you’re literally asking me to choose between our relationship and my obsession with pointing out doors to people, well, there’s the door.
When you are having a new mattress installed, remember to hide your “toys” BEFORE the movers arrive.
Customer spelling her name:
Me: Is that V as in Victor or Z as in Zebra?
Her: Z as in Xylophone.
And this, kids, is why education is key.
[After sitting for a portrait for 18 hours] Where’s the artist?
bartender: *slides over pudding cup*