Picture someone you think is kinda/sorta attractive.
Now picture them holding a pizza box.
[my first attempt at standup]
ME: So, I was at the gym the other day…
MY STALKER (from the back): lol no you weren’t
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“Intercourse” sounds more like it’s about vehicular traffic than sex.
Pro tip-If you bring a toy boat into a hot tub and repeatedly reenact the Titanic, in a few mins you’ll have the entire hot tub to yourself.
Loneliness Status: Eating donuts and talking to the dog. He seems interested, but I think it’s the donut.
[Who Wants to be a Millionaire]
Me: I’m stumped. Can I phone a friend?
Host: What’s your friend’s name?
It’s fine to eat a “test” grape in the produce section but you take one bite of a rotisserie chicken and it’s all, “sir you need to leave.”
Headline: World helium shortage over due to discovery of helium field.
Scientist: (high voice) This new supply of helium is a game-changer
1. Ice *check*
2. Ice *check*
3. Baby *calls 911*
– Freezer Inspector –
I wouldn’t say my husband and I are competitive but we do play a very cutthroat version of name that tune anytime a song comes on.
roses are red / violets are blue
who let the dogs out / who who who who