@ohpegah

[my first attempt at standup]

ME: So, I was at the gym the other day…

MY STALKER (from the back): lol no you weren’t

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@Jake_Vig

Picture someone you think is kinda/sorta attractive.

Now picture them holding a pizza box.

@UnFitz

Fact:
“Intercourse” sounds more like it’s about vehicular traffic than sex.

@KateWhineHall

Pro tip-If you bring a toy boat into a hot tub and repeatedly reenact the Titanic, in a few mins you’ll have the entire hot tub to yourself.

@candy_badass

Loneliness Status: Eating donuts and talking to the dog. He seems interested, but I think it’s the donut.

@XplodingUnicorn

[Who Wants to be a Millionaire]

Me: I’m stumped. Can I phone a friend?

Host: What’s your friend’s name?

Me: Wikipedia.

@simoncholland

It’s fine to eat a “test” grape in the produce section but you take one bite of a rotisserie chicken and it’s all, “sir you need to leave.”

@TheBoydP

Headline: World helium shortage over due to discovery of helium field.

Scientist: (high voice) This new supply of helium is a game-changer

@Iwriteforcats

1. Ice *check*
2. Ice *check*
3. Baby *calls 911*

– Freezer Inspector –

@jellybnbonanza

I wouldn’t say my husband and I are competitive but we do play a very cutthroat version of name that tune anytime a song comes on.