@blade_funner

[my first day as a 911 operator]

*eating peanut butter with a spoon* 911 wath er mumergy

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@VodkaTiem

I was really expecting to get murdered by some creepy person from the Internet by now.

@Jake_Vig

Before I get out of an elevator, I hug every single person in there with me and whisper in their ear “You’ve taught me so much.”

@BoogTweets

Me: You are not going to believe this…

Priest: Your confessions will always be belived, my child

Me: There is no toilet paper over here.

@ShellHasNoName

Interviewer: no, I meant any applicable skills?
Me: *still making goldfish lip kisses

@The_MartiniGirl

I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.

@AnniemuMary

Me: …at aol dot com
Cashier: at a…?
M: at aol dot com
Cashier: at ao…?
Me: at aol dot com
Cashier: Ma’am, are you crying?

@Skoog

[home alone]

murderer: [creeping up behind me]

me, loudly: i hope no one’s about to stab me cuz I’m thinking about making cookies later!

murderer: [pauses] what kind?

@TheHyyyype

SURGEON: *cutting open patient’s torso*

NURSE: sir, what are you doing?! this is a knee replacement!

SURGEON: there’s a Pokémon in there