@blade_funner

[my first day as a 911 operator]

*eating peanut butter with a spoon* 911 wath er mumergy

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@kelkulus

Between IKEA and Burger King, I think it’s safe to say we’ve all eaten entire horses by now.

@partlyfunny

Drugs and alcohol aren’t the answer. Unless the question is why did you shit on the sidewalk last night?

@junejuly12

“We don’t dry dishes, Mom, that’s air’s job” annoying kid logic that you’re secretly proud of.

@KentWGraham

Given their destructive force to homes, kids’ birthday parties should get names like hurricanes do. Birthday Party Hugo.

@Wine_Honey1

*gets sent nude selfie with messy bedroom in the background

Sorry to ruin the mood, but is that a half-eaten corn dog on your floor?

@OfficeofSteve

My washing machine is broken and the laundry is piled so much now, I’ve started to wear old Halloween costumes

@krisv_723

*Growling bear comes out of the woods*
Me: Aww, it’s a giant teddy.
Him: Are you crazy? Run!
Me: *arms wide open* Bring it in.
Bear:*embraces me & cries* This is all I ever wanted.

@MorphineDreamzz

we both reached for the popcorn and our hands met, this was the moment i knew.. we should get our own bags next time.