I was really expecting to get murdered by some creepy person from the Internet by now.
[my first day as a 911 operator]
*eating peanut butter with a spoon* 911 wath er mumergy
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Before I get out of an elevator, I hug every single person in there with me and whisper in their ear “You’ve taught me so much.”
[GOD INVENTING THE AVOCADO]
Make a banana annoying.
baby wake up, it’s someday
Me: You are not going to believe this…
Priest: Your confessions will always be belived, my child
Me: There is no toilet paper over here.
Interviewer: no, I meant any applicable skills?
Me: *still making goldfish lip kisses
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
Me: …at aol dot com
Cashier: at a…?
M: at aol dot com
Cashier: at ao…?
Me: at aol dot com
Cashier: Ma’am, are you crying?
murderer: [creeping up behind me]
me, loudly: i hope no one’s about to stab me cuz I’m thinking about making cookies later!
murderer: [pauses] what kind?
SURGEON: *cutting open patient’s torso*
NURSE: sir, what are you doing?! this is a knee replacement!
SURGEON: there’s a Pokémon in there