Between IKEA and Burger King, I think it’s safe to say we’ve all eaten entire horses by now.
[my first day as a 911 operator]
*eating peanut butter with a spoon* 911 wath er mumergy
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*Takes kids for sushi before seeing “Finding Dory”*
Drugs and alcohol aren’t the answer. Unless the question is why did you shit on the sidewalk last night?
“We don’t dry dishes, Mom, that’s air’s job” annoying kid logic that you’re secretly proud of.
Given their destructive force to homes, kids’ birthday parties should get names like hurricanes do. Birthday Party Hugo.
*gets sent nude selfie with messy bedroom in the background
Sorry to ruin the mood, but is that a half-eaten corn dog on your floor?
My washing machine is broken and the laundry is piled so much now, I’ve started to wear old Halloween costumes
My favorite way to eat eggs is inside chocolate cake mix.
*Growling bear comes out of the woods*
Me: Aww, it’s a giant teddy.
Him: Are you crazy? Run!
Me: *arms wide open* Bring it in.
Bear:*embraces me & cries* This is all I ever wanted.
we both reached for the popcorn and our hands met, this was the moment i knew.. we should get our own bags next time.