[my first day as a 911 operator]
*eating peanut butter with a spoon* 911 wath er mumergy
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My origin story is like Harley Quinn’s except instead of rising out of a tank of chemicals it’s instant mashed potatoes
Friend: Isn’t it crazy to think that every decision you make for your kids will change the trajectory of their entire lives?
Me: Thank you for pointing that out. Please never talk to me again.
My eyes are seared by the blood soaked nightmare of the hellscape before me.
The pungent odor of the wretched, tortured souls burns my lungs.
I struggle to breathe…Me, in the DMV waiting room
I got my husband to watch Game of Thrones with me by telling him “Just wait. There’s a good car chase comin’ up”
Owen Wilson has made around $217,838,000 from his movies. He averages around 3500 words per movie in 47 movies. That’s about $1,324 per word. “Wow” was 102 of those words. Owen Wilson has made roughly $135,072 from saying wow goodnight twitter
Don’t believe everything you read on a Mayan stone carving
ME: So did you go to a Hivey League school lol?
MY ALLERGIST: Get out.
I wish Gordon Ramsay would get one tattoo so I could take him seriously as a chef.
Shout out to the top 5 phones, mega, micro, smart, speaker and get off the damn.
Her: why don’t we just hire a mechanic?
Me holding a fire extinguisher: no need. I know what I did wrong now.
Narrator: He did not know what he did wrong.
Seeing Keira Knightley outside of a period piece is like running into a teacher outside of school.
Facebook now tags fake news stories from sites like The Onion with #satire to protect users who lack 1st grade critical thinking skills.
My kids gave me a headache so I left them a scathing review on Glassdoor.
They say, every transformation makes you a new person.
But they don’t tell us where & how to dispose off the body
I’m very sorry, I must inform you, the stupidity has metastasized.
Lifting up my shirt outside the piercing place as a cautionary tale of what a formerly-pierced belly button can look like after pregnancy
*calls out under the bed
Me: Are you still there?
Monster: Nope. Go to sleep.
[pet store]
COP: someone’s been stealing puppies
OWNER: OMG now I’m missing another one
ME: who would do such a thing *shirt starts barking*
awesome draft from months ago i just found
Hellocination: when you wave at someone thinking they waved at you, but they were waving to someone else.
Pandas are such weird, unserious bears. There’s no way they don’t get laughed out of the room at the Bear Council.
THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS TO ALL THE BROS ON INSTAGRAM WHO CAN’T AFFORD SHIRTS
BOND: The name’s Bond. James Bond.
ME: That’s a weird way to say your name, dude.
BOND: I’m a spy.
ME: You are bad at all parts of this.
GPS: left—left again—take another left—ur gonna want to take this left—stay left
NASCAR DRIVER: why is there a gps in here
Has anyone told ice cream shops about big napkins?
Apparently the drunk guy at the urinal next to me is under the impression that I was stung in the leg by a jellyfish.
Neighbor: What are you doing?
Me: Jesus Christ, Bob…what does it look like I’m doing?
Neighbor: …urinating on my mailbox
Dogs are like chicken nuggets; every time I see one, I want it.
[Interviewing to be a mortician]
Do you have any experience handling dead bodies?-Well I get my sleepy kids ready for school every day.
“Hello what’s your emergency?”
Me: Our carpet has got this stain on it and….damn they’ve hung up
Gf: WTF did you even tell them I’ve been stabbed?!!
Me: Amy, I think I know how to tell a good anecdote