cow: [feeling sick] i have four stomachaches
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Came home to find 13 doing the dishes without being asked.
Now I’m just waiting on the police to get here with the news of whatever he did.
Writing without pants on is a simple pleasure.
Shame I can’t go back to Starbucks though.
I just saw a woman walk out of the pizza place with 8 large pizzas. Stay with me I’m gonna live stream my proposal..
Can’t. Trying to decide between hiding the presents in the dishwasher or the washer/dryer since I’m the only one in this damn house who uses them.
Whenever I babysit I wear a wig. When the parents leave I cut off 90% of my hair. I tell the kids if they don’t behave, they’re next.
BOSS: You ok?
ME: Yeah, why?
BOSS: You have a sign that says “2 Days Without Being Annoyed”
[maintaining eye contact, I change it to 0]
[first day in gang]
LEADER: ya gotta be street-smart
ME: oh i am
LEADER: prove it
ME: *names every street in city*
LEADER: holy shit
Whoever said imitation is the sincerest form of flattery hasn’t had a 7yo mimicking their every word for the last 10 minutes.
I could have been a monk but I missed my chants
[During quarantine]
Kidnapper: 25,000 by this Sunday if you want to see your kids again.
Me: how about 40,000 and you keep them til next weekend?
My brother in law sent us adorable Valentines from our 14 month old niece who we have never met (They live in Canada)
Her litlte red handprints are the card are so sweet…except it also kinda looks like she bathed in the blood of her enemies and then sent us a warning
When cooking for a date for the first time I use plenty of garlic so we can get the whole “vampire/not a vampire” question out of the way.
I took my kids’ screens away so we could spend some quality time together and it turns out they are really terrible to be around
If you ever want a bad date to end just say “you remind me of my mother.” If you REALLY want to sell it leave out the “my”
One way to tell if a man is good in bed is to watch him dance. Another good way is to have sex with him.
I brushed my teeth without watching in the mirror and now my eyebrows are clean.
When I was a little kid, I used to think “this little pig went to market,” meant it was going shopping!
Kids are so dumb u think Santa’s elves made that PS4 yeah right like Sony would ever let that happen learn basic copyright law u lil shits
What idiot called it hoarding, and not Stock Home Syndrome?
Breaking into my enemies home and eating all their cheese.
one day, after your children have moved out, you realize it was your husband who you needed to hide the good cookies from all along
I’m a creative speller thus no typos, just art.
[Observation Ward]
Me: *thinking aloud* Santa Monica implies the existence of Santa Chandler, Santa Ross-
Doctor 1: Take his phone
Doctor 2: I did that three hours ago
Doctor 1: Ugh… give it back maybe?
My husband used the word “analyze” during sex so I’m going to throw myself into on coming traffic now.
PROLOGUE: This novel is based on a true story
AMATEURLOGUE: This stuff is like for reals or something
The movie ”Finding Nemo” would’ve lasted only 5 minutes if his mother would’ve looked for him.
ADIDAS: All Day I Dream About Sellingfeetpics
I wish whitening toothpaste got my teeth as white as the places I drop it on my shirts.