[My first day as a detective]
Me: It’s one way glass he can’t see you. Just point at the killer.
Witness: All I can see is our reflection.
Me: Ah, ok. Everybody swap rooms.
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Men, please quit wishing for the perfect woman for Christmas. Three times this week Santa Claus tried to kidnap me.
After months of trying, I finally have a runner’s body. His shoes too. Also a really nice pair of headphones & his Fitbit. He was in shape.
Therapist: do what makes u happy and don’t do what makes u sad
Me: so happy music makes me happy
Therapist: yea
Me: and sad music makes me sad
Therapist: yea
Me: and I’m sad
Therapist: yea
Me: therefore I should listen to sad music
Therapist: so close
The doctor asked if I was sexual active.
I shook my head and said “Not in front of the wife”.
5 years ago today I asked a beautiful girl out on a date. Today at 3pm I asked that girl to marry me. She said no both times.
So many brave flute players were killed by cobras in picnic baskets before one of them tried an Indian song.
Mother of God, the man solved unsolvable crimes for eight straight seasons. When he says he has a hunch, believe him the first time.
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid dressed up like a cop is a cop.
It’s so rude how nobody has fallen madly in love with me today
Die Hard is a Valentine’s Day movie.
We named our beautiful daughter after my mother.
Passive Aggressive Psycho turns 22 this year!
The best way to tell someone you don’t like them is to text them 370HSSV 0773H and tell them to read it upside down.
This made me laugh more than it should’ve 😭
Toddler: [spills cup of apple juice]
Me: Don’t move!
Toddler: [sits on spill]
ME: it’s like we never see eye to eye
MY VESTIGIAL TWIN: lol that would be super weird
Spot cleaning is my favorite because I clean like two spots in my house and then I’m done.
Hungover this morning, just accidentally flushed my toilet again right after I’d flushed it and found myself apologizing to it, aloud. So I guess quarantine has turned me into a Canadian?
[creating seahorses]
God: give em little horsey faces
Angel: aww cute
God: fish lookin bodies
Angel: ok…wait, really?
God: curly-cue tails lol
Angel: this is confusing
God: oh yeah? make males carry the eggs til they hatch and explode outta their pouch
Angel:
God: POP
The most romantic way to propose is to put the ring in their dessert and when they bite it and break their tooth you yell “surprise, babe, you’re gonna be my wife and I have DENTAL COVERAGE”
I saw my dog eat yellow snow this weekend… and I’d still take her advice before yours.
Our cruise ship’s movie theater is showing Titanic. That’s a foreshadow, right?
We weren’t traipsing, Mom. We are rapscallions. We galavant.
[Meeting friends baby]
Me: [bouncing him on my knee] he’s a big boy isn’t he
Friend: yeah he was 11 pounds
Me: wow that’s cheap
If you need a ride to the airport, give me at least two weeks notice so I’ll have a chance to clear my schedule and die
Goldfish crackers are the best snack for teaching kids it’s ok to eat your pets.
To me, the worst part of the prostate exam is when the doctor says, “Guess how many fingers.”
Okay, I’m still confused…
police bust open my trunk. it’s full of potatoes. i’ve done nothing wrong.
Didn’t find a dead body on my hike again today this is starting to get frustrating.
Ok you with pneumonia, go sit between the perfectly healthy lady and the guy with the blood shooting out of his leg
and wait.
-hospitals