@bingowings14

[My first day as a detective]
Me: It’s one way glass he can’t see you. Just point at the killer.
Witness: All I can see is our reflection.
Me: Ah, ok. Everybody swap rooms.

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@ValeeGrrl

4pm
Me: How was school today?
Kid: …

6pm
Me: Do anything fun today?
Kid: …

Bedtime
Me: Goodnight!
Kid: Guess what happened at school?

@Brampersandon_

ME: forgive me father for I have sinned
PRIEST: nothing that can’t be forgiven my son
ME: I microwave my pop tarts
PRIEST: u sick son of a

@DadandBuried

My favorite thing about decorative towels is how you’re not allowed to use them.

Because nothing says CLASS like useless towels.

@RxitWounds

*Sits straight up in bed*
“THE CHILDREN”

*Kids are sitting in the produce department while two watermelons sleep peacefully in their beds*

@Reverend_Scott

[job interview]

Did you really think bringing a puppy with you to the interview would help you get the job?

“Yes”

WELL YOU’RE RIGHT.

@IamEveryDayPpl

That awkward moment when you flirt with a guy whose staring at you in the Waffle House, but really he just died there with his eyes open…

@SteveSuckington

“How about if I put a balloon over it? Would you touch it then?”

-guy who invented condoms

@GingerHotDish

My therapist says I should delete my account and meet real people, but she’s still on Facebook so what does she know.

@MikeMcNeil_

Sorry I threw rice at the coffin. I don’t get invited to much.

@ComedySpeech

Sharks aren’t the bad guys. If some stranger entered my house in just a Speedo, I would probably attack him too.