[My first day as a garbageman]
Text from wife: You forgot to take out the trash.
Me: Goddammit
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[5 year old tugs on pant leg]
Daddy if time stops at the speed of light then photons aren’t actually moving, so is everything we see a lie?
*yawning at an art museum*
“I already saw that on Tumblr.”
me: damn, can’t use the gps, my phone is dead
friend: it’s cool, we have a map
me: nice, we can find a place to charge my phone
I’m wearing black today so powdered sugar donuts seem like a solid choice.
If there’s anything Urban Dictionary has taught me it’s that I shouldn’t be so curious at times.
[Person who spends 20 hours per week in the gym]
“The trick is to drink 8 glasses of water a day.”
bruce banner: [getting angry]
black widow: here eat this [hands a mint]
bruce banner: what is this?
black widow: anger manageMINT.
hulk: [sighs heavily]
*smokes fat doobie*
*enters hotdog eating contest*
*sets Guinness World Record*
*gets disqualified for using performance-enhancing drugs*
*pours a shaker of salt into the ocean*
You’re free now
Geesh you avoid someone for 6 months and right away they assume you ghosted them.
A rat followed me home in a dark street in DC, so I pretended I was on the phone with an exterminator
“Owen, you must hide this baby, at all costs, from Anakin Skywalker.”
“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”
“Seems fine.”
– Then use a paw of oregano and a tooth of salt
-Are you kidding me? How much is a ”paw”?
-You say ”a pinch ” all the time and nobody asks. Figure it out. You’re the 5 star chef, n’est pas?
netflix subtitles be like (speaking foreign language) bro translate it
prince of whales, doo doo doo doo doo doo
Pineapple farms looks like someone said they were a pineapple farmer and got caught in the lie so just started chucking pineapples on the grass
before puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the shower’
after puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the oven’
Just got nominated for an Oscar for my role as “man surprised his credit card was declined”
I asked my imaginary girlfriend, Delores, to change her name.
Realtor: And I can assure you the house has been child-proofed
*my kid walks in*
Me: I see you’re a liar
haven’t exploited a dead relative for attention yet but it’s on the table
Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the whole truth, so help you God?
Me: Yes, unless she asks me if she looks fat.
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: omg what did I do, why don’t you want to have sex with me anymore?
mob boss: only you would bring a knife to a gun fight
me: for the cake
mob boss: what
me: Jimmy the Snitch said I’m gonna get what’s coming to me
mob boss: that’s not what I-
me: it’s my birthday
Me: wow I can’t believe these were only 2 dollars, they look like such good quality nobody will ever know they weren’t expensive!
Someone: oh wow nice pants
Me (beaming with pride): THEY WERE 2 DOLLARS
I don’t trust anyone who bikes to work for reasons other than a DUI
Google needs a “you really don’t want to know” search answer.
[courtroom, on witness stand]
Prosecuting attny: If you think she’s poisoning you, why did you eat it?
Me: It was pizza
[jury nods, murmurs]
Imagine the horror of telling someone ” Let’s grab lunch sometime” and they call you expecting to actually make lunch plans with you.
[shows her my bedroom]
And this is where the magic happens…
[starts doing that trick where it looks like my thumb is coming apart]