@sonictyrant

[my first day as a magician]

me: *pulls a rabbi out of a hat*

girlfriend: that’s a little unorthodox

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@WilliamAder

We’re throwing a surprise retirement party for a guy at the office and the “party” isn’t the surprise.

@Cpin42

A lot of parents are asking questions about my baby cannon. Like “Does it really fire babies?” & “Have you seen my son Jeff?”

@Tbone7219

My neighbor just snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.

In related news, hiding a dead body is not as easy as you think.

@ThisOneSayz

Unlike regular Jiu Jitsu, Brazilian Jiu Jitsu will get you out of a hairy situation.

@Jesssicle

Fun thing to do: Before leaving someone’s house, ask them if you can take a roll of toilet paper “to go”

@bobby

video games where you have to repair your gun or like change the oil in your motorcycle or whatever can take a damn hike. there’s plenty of tedium in my actual life–i wanna chainsaw a mutant in half, not fold virtual laundry.

@MelvinofYork

The chips I’m eating are labeled “Harvest Cheddar,” a name which is forcing me to reconsider what I thought I knew about cheese production

@AndreaWoo

Everyone who aspired to write the greatest headline ever can give up now.