Remember when the biggest problem we faced was Gangnam Style
[my first day as a mechanic]
customer: i need an oil change
me: ma’am, i’m pretty sure it’s actually your car that needs an oil change
You Might Also Like
Give a man a plane ticket and he’ll fly for a day.
Push a man out of a plane and he’ll fly for the rest of his life.
7 out of 3 people are bad at fractions.
For sale: car. Does not stop. You will have to jump in as I jump out. I have been driving this car for three years. Please help me
My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.
(Cargo pants filled with tater tots) “How many do I need to get an Xbox?”
“Sir, that’s not how Toys for Tots works.”
JOKER ENDING EXPLAINED! those names were the people who worked on the film
I now realize that my mom did not actually have eyes in the back of her head. She just did as I do, randomly yell out “stop it” every 30 min
“Here’s your cup of Joe” – Joe at the sperm bank
Me, sick: *filling up my Vicks humidifier*
Him: Is that… Are you filling that with vodka?
Me: Who are you my doctor? VAPOR IS VAPOR