@TheHyyyype

[my first day as a mechanic]

customer: i need an oil change

me: ma’am, i’m pretty sure it’s actually your car that needs an oil change

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@abhorrent_wife

I’m at my sexiest when I find the grown out patch of hair on the outside of my ankle I missed with the razor the last 17 times I shaved.

@Home_Halfway

Charles Barkley sounds like a made-up name a dog would think of to get into a fancy country club.

@Jayson_Two_time

Pro Tip for the ladies. Ask him to show you where the “jack thingy” is at in the trunk and when he shows you..

That’s when you push him in.

@sonictyrant

Me: *calls waiter over* You’ve given my girlfriend 2 dead rats on a skewer

Waiter: Yes the ratatouille, anything else sir?

Me: lets cancel that coq- au- vin

@ArfMeasures

Her: Do you know any dog photographers?

Me *imagining a labrador holding a camera* no but I want to

@MatCro

SON: How are monster trucks made?

ME: Son, when a monster and a truck love each oth-

GF: [glares]

ME: He’s old enough for the facts, Jane

@OtherDanOBrien

ME: I hate him with 1/16th of the fibers of my being
GUY: Not every fiber?
ME: I hate alot of people. I’m not wasting all my fibers on 1 guy

@BuffyMaddingly

Just realized the laundry detergent has been in the refrigerator for 3 days, in case you’re looking for a business manager.