I’m at my sexiest when I find the grown out patch of hair on the outside of my ankle I missed with the razor the last 17 times I shaved.
[my first day as a mechanic]
customer: i need an oil change
me: ma’am, i’m pretty sure it’s actually your car that needs an oil change
You Might Also Like
Charles Barkley sounds like a made-up name a dog would think of to get into a fancy country club.
My husband and I both have colds but only his is really really bad.
Pro Tip for the ladies. Ask him to show you where the “jack thingy” is at in the trunk and when he shows you..
That’s when you push him in.
Haters gonna hate, thermometers gonna thermom
Me: *calls waiter over* You’ve given my girlfriend 2 dead rats on a skewer
Waiter: Yes the ratatouille, anything else sir?
Me: lets cancel that coq- au- vin
Her: Do you know any dog photographers?
Me *imagining a labrador holding a camera* no but I want to
SON: How are monster trucks made?
ME: Son, when a monster and a truck love each oth-
ME: He’s old enough for the facts, Jane
ME: I hate him with 1/16th of the fibers of my being
GUY: Not every fiber?
ME: I hate alot of people. I’m not wasting all my fibers on 1 guy
Just realized the laundry detergent has been in the refrigerator for 3 days, in case you’re looking for a business manager.