(my first day as a transformer)
optimus prime: Transformers, roll out!
Me:*transforms into hotdog cart* CAN I GET A PUSH HERE
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No matter how bad your day is going, take comfort in the fact that it was my dog, not yours, that took a dump in Home Depot.
8: What’s this music?
Me: The Ramones, do you like it?
8: No, it sounds too easy to do.
Me, offended: What’s wrong with being easy?
What a cute baby, what’s her name?
“Ethel”
She’s gonna make a great grandmother
Walked in for bread, walked out with 6 bottles of wine. Now we’re having communion for dinner.
You should never donate to people that collect money for marathons.
They just take your money and run.
I take great pride in the fact that I have told you “the stupidest thing you’ve ever heard” in more than one argument
anything is possible with the right attitude and a sledgehammer
some days i’m on top of this parenting game. other days I buy 2 bags of donuts and throw them and the kids outside.
Realtor: It’s a four-story building.
Me: Nice!
Realtor (quietly): AllFourOfTheStoriesAreAboutPeopleWhoDiedHere
Me: What?
Realtor: It’s cozy
doctor: describe your morning routine
me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance
doctor: m-o-r-n-i-n-g
me: I know how to spell it
My idea of a 5 course meal is pizza with 4 toppings
Me: I really want to go travelling
My bank balance: like…around the house?
My boss always calls me Sweetypie when he wants me to get him coffee..I estimate he’s swallowed a bucket of my spit in the last 4 years..
Why are we all Facebook friends with an English teacher we had in high school
An old boyfriend hearted my picture on Facebook instead of just liking it, so I was wondering what we should name our kids.
Friend: I set a new personal record last week
Me: Me too
Friend: I took 2 minutes off my marathon time
Me: I ate 12 tacos in one sitting.
WHO DID THIS?
“Ma’am, are you aware that you were going 92 in a 55? I’m gonna need you to step out of the car.”
“Um, I have a boyfriend.”
My 4yo is trying to sell my own M&M’s back to me. This guy’s going places.
[at the mall]
“Excuse me? I lost my son. Can I please make an announcement?”
“Of course.”
[leans in to mic]
“Goodbye you little shit.”
astronaut: houston come in
houston: this had better be important
astronaut: it’s urgent
houston: fine what
astronaut: [drinking soda out of the air] rootbeer float
If the FBI want to get into an iPhone w/o users permission, they should ask someone who’s done it before, like U2
*Gets off couch. Goes to Jedi school. Studies for months.
*Returns to couch.
*Uses the force to get last beer from the fridge.
In Hell, you’re surrounded by people saying ‘suposably’ and ‘irregardless.’
What, tough guy? Come try taking that picture over here, why don’t ya?
It’s really disturbing how that bear family in those Charmin commercials are so open with each other about shitting.
Cats can use their whiskers to navigate in the dark. I use my toes. And shins. And lots of cursing.
[carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full
Sure, I’m on the keto diet.
The keto my happiness is carbs.